Good Vibes, Bad Vibes- Understanding Interpersonal Differences and Difficulties

Interactions with other people are not always straightforward. As mentioned in last week's post, some of the reasons include that dealing with others always involves communication and emotions. Our relationships depend on whether or not we are able (and willing!) to make ourselves understood and to understand the other person. Not all of us are natural communication talents, particularly when considering that the vast majority of emotional meaning during an interaction is conveyed with non-verbal signals.¹ And emotions can be an additional problem because we may lose our rational thinking and common sense once we are affected by strong emotions such as anger, shame, fear, grief or frustration. We also tend to become less empathic (=less able to read somebody else’s internal mind state) when we become stressed, which can exacerbate the problem.^2,3

Apart from rational thinking and emotions, human behaviour is also influenced by underlying attitudes, memories/experiences, preconceptions, assumptions and moral thinking, as our brain tries to makes sense out of the world around us and comes up with a way to respond.^1,2 To complicate matters even further, relationships are dynamic and their quality does not only rely on our on behaviour but also on that of the other person(s) involved.

So today we are going to look at the ‘karma’ that people bring into relationships: What influences our decisions and behaviours? And how can we try to improve our karma?

Individual personal factors:

Nobody is perfect- this statement holds also true for relationships. We all have our own smaller or larger quirks, imperfections, vulnerabilities and fears as a result of complex interactions between our genes, upbringing and life experiences.¹ These may result in difficulties when dealing with other people, whether this is just in certain situations or as a more generalised problem. Individual predispositions and differences influencing interpersonal skills and behaviour include:

• Our attachment style: As mentioned in a previous post (Can You Face The Storm- About Resilience_Part 1) early childhood experiences are very important. If we perceive the interaction with our primary care-giver (usually our mother) as positive, reassuring and consistent, we tend to develop a secure attachment style. This attachment is important for development of certain brain areas, including the prefrontal cortex and the ‘resonance circuit’ (brain regions which help us relate to other people). Secure attachment allows us to develop a general sense of security and self-worth, emotional stability, response flexibility (meaning that we can choose our behaviour rather than being stuck in automatic response patterns) and ability to form close relationships with others.^1,2 Unfortunately, only approximately 50% of all people form a secure attachment as children, developing instead avoidant, ambivalent or disorganized attachment styles, which are associated with various interpersonal difficulties (e.g. fear of intimacy, problems when dealing with own emotions or those of others, fear of abandonment, or rigid self-reliance and disconnection).¹ The good news is that we can learn the skills usually associated with secure attachment style later in life even if this was not possible in early childhood, provided that we develop a positive, trusting relationship with another person and are able to put any previous difficulties in perspective (see also below under: How to improve your interpersonal skills).^1,2
• Personality: Our personalities can greatly influence how we interact with others. The traits include extraversion (the degree to which we are stimulated by external rewards including interaction with other people), agreeableness (the degree to which we are predisposed to empathise with the internal state of others and seek harmony), neuroticism (the tendency towards lower emotional stability), contentiousness (level of self-control and self-organisation), and openness (seeking/accepting new experiences, views, perspectives and associations).⁴
• Our needs: Our interactions with our environment and other people are generally influenced by three needs: The need for safety (avoiding harm), the need for satisfaction (satisfying basic physical needs and drives, goal-oriented and status-seeking behaviour) and the need for connection (attaching). Some of us can have a strongly predominating need, and in some situations the needs can be in conflict.⁵ For example, if we are afraid to talk about our thoughts and emotions with somebody else out of feelings of shame or fear of rejection, we are choosing the need to stay safe over the need to connect. Or, if we put an overly high emphasis on status or goal pursuit (need for satisfaction), we may walk all over other people and/or not pay enough attention to our family and friends with the result that our long-term relationships may suffer.
• So as a result of all factors listed above, our interactions with others are influenced by our variable degree of self-esteem, self-acceptance and self-compassion, sociability, empathy and compassion, tolerance and self-control, emotional reactivity, communication and negotiation skills, and the priorities of our needs.

The power of memories and thinking:

Another really important and helpful fact to know is that there are two types of memory and two types of thinking. We will come back to these in more detail in another post but for now just a brief overview:

• Explicit vs implicit memory: Explicit memory is the conscious memory of our personal life and all factual knowledge that we have learnt. Implicit memory is our unconscious memory, storing our assumptions, expectations, values and personal preferences, perceived personal strengths and vulnerabilities/emotional deficits, subconscious aspects and emotions associated with previous experiences, as well as behavioural patterns which have become installed into our automatic repertoire. Even if we think that we make our decisions mostly based on our conscious experiences and knowledge, it has been shown that a surprising 80% of our behaviour is based on implicit memory.¹ This means that our behaviour (and that of others) may sometimes be significantly less rational than we think, and prone to preconceptions and learnt automatic responses. Implicit memory is also negatively biased, which means that negative experiences get more readily stored than positive ones, which may influence future behaviour.⁵
• Rapid vs slow cognition: Closely associated with the concept of explicit and implicit memory, fast cognition (or fast thinking) is essentially a subconscious reaction based on our bodily responses and/or emotions, or previously learnt and automated behaviour. This way of thinking is very fast, intuitive and does not require a lot of energy or willpower. For example, forming the initial impression about somebody you meet for the first time is largely an intuitive process. Slow thinking involves conscious pondering, rational analysis and a deliberate effort to examine all facts. It is significantly slower, and requires more energy. For example, slow thinking is to make the effort to assess if our first impression of the new person we met is likely to be correct or not.   

The important point is that both types of memory and thinking have a role to play, but that the implicit memory and fast thinking are essentially automatic and that we have no conscious influence on them. Decisions based on our implicit memory and rapid thinking may be correct and may be the only way to deal with an emergency situation (e.g. when you have to quickly decide if somebody or something represents a true danger to you). However, it has been shown that both, implicit memory and rapid cognition, are prone to prejudice and incorrect assumptions: They are often not correct when dealing with other people, particularly in stressful situations.^1,2,7,8

Why is all this important?

When trying to improve relationships with other people or dealing with difficult people, it is essential that we are aware of the fact that our (and their!) decisions and behaviours are likely to be influenced by many factors, including emotional vulnerabilities, communication skills and subconscious bias. Being aware of these potential difficulties within us and others, and knowing that these are not necessarily our (or their) fault, gives us a greater understanding and acceptance, which in turn can give us more control over our actions.¹ This is particularly important at times of stress and interpersonal disagreements, when our brains and bodies have the tendency to go into a reactive ‘emergency’ mode.^1,2,5 Anger, resentment/hostility, shame or fear give us a ‘tunnel vision’ and can make us get stuck in automatic and limiting behavioural patterns. Learning to stay in control (or ‘responsive mode’) even when dealing with a difficult person or during a difficult time in a relationship makes us more flexible, able to de-escalate, and able to find solutions which work for both parties.

How to improve your interpersonal skills?

There are several ways to improve your ‘karma’. Some of the general guidelines have already been mentioned in the last post. Options to improve any interpersonal vulnerabilities and/or increasing our skills to deal with difficult people include:

• Try to be objective: Try to get into the habit of consulting a virtual ‘wiser inner self’ in difficult situations: take a step back and look at the larger picture beyond your immediate personal impulses and feelings.¹ Attempt to view the problem from different perspectives, detached from your own emotions, and try to assess if your initial feelings are leading you in the right direction. Of course our intuition is often right- but it can also be completely wrong, particularly if we are not very skilled in communication, are affected by strong negative emotions, strongly biased beliefs (e.g. ‘you cannot trust other people’) or implicit memories. You can also always ask a trusted, objective person for help.
• It is possible to learn and improve the emotional and social skills normally associated with secure attachment by having a positive relationship with another person who has these skills, or even by role-models with whom you have only little or no direct contact.^1,2 Pay close attention how this person gives you the sense of being heard and understood, how he/she communicates and listens. Observe how this person is able to trust and share with others, shows kindness and compassion, is able to reach out and ask for help if needed, but how he/she can also deal with conflicts effectively, standing up for his/her rights and setting limits and boundaries if necessary.
• Learn from yourself: We may not be perfect but we still do an awful lot well enough! We can become better in dealing with ourselves and others, if we make a conscious effort to remember situations, which we handled well. If you have identified any potential vulnerabilities or difficulties, you can start changing your behaviour in small steps and break out of your habitual response. With patience and persistence you will be able to effectively ‘re-wire’ your brain (due to neuroplasticity) and introduce more flexible and effective behaviour into your repertoire. References 1,2 and 5 are great books, which explain in more detail how this can be achieved.
• Learn specific communication and negotiation skills: Others can only understand what we want to tell them if we are able to express ourselves clearly. Also, there may be situations where we have to ensure that we look after our own needs and assert ourselves against unreasonable requests from others. Not all of us are natural talents when it comes to communication and negotiation, but luckily these important skills can be increased with practice.^1,2,6 Remember that only 7% of the emotional meaning is conveyed in words; the vast majority is communicated with non-verbal signals.¹ Improving your skills in using and reading body language and other non-verbal signs therefore puts you at a huge advantage. There are many great resources available ranging from books to workshops. I will also come back to this topic in next week’s post.
• It has been shown that mindfulness practices and meditations improve the functioning of brain areas, which are important for emotion regulation, self-awareness, empathy and compassion/self-compassion.^1,2,5 Particularly if we did not have the opportunity to develop a secure attachment style for one reason or another, it is a very effective way of increasing emotional intelligence. A special type of meditation derived from Buddhist tradition called loving-kindness mediation can be particularly helpful to cultivate empathy and compassion for yourself and others, leading to a sense of connection, (self-)acceptance and trust.⁷ Empathy has not only been shown to directly increase our well-being, but also allows us to deal more effectively with other people in conflict situations.^1,2,5,10 Self-acceptance and self-compassion are so important because it is difficult to have positive relationships with other people, if we don’t have a good relationship with ourself.^1,2,5 We are only able to meet other people at eye level if we trust our abilities, feel that we are an essentially ‘good enough’, lovable person and are able to attend adequately to our own needs.

More on this topic on the web:

You can test your ability to interpret facial expressions correctly in the emotional intelligence quiz on the Greater Good website: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/quizzes/take_quiz/17

Kent University also offers interesting information about various aspects of communication

https://www.kent.ac.uk/careers/sk/communicating.htm

Preview: Dealing with difficult people can be one of the biggest stress factors in our private and professional lives. Next week’s post will provide some tips on these difficult interpersonal interactions.

References and further evidence-based reading:

1. Graham L. Bouncing Back: Rewiring Your Brain for Maximum Resilience and Well-Being. New World Library; Novato. 2013.

2. Siegel D. Mindsight: Transform Your Brain with the New Science of Kindness. Oneworld Publications; Oxford, UK. 2011.

3. Peters D. The neurobiology of resilience. InnovAiT. 2016;9(6):333-341.

4. Nettle D. Personality: What makes you the way you are. Oxford University Press; New York. 2007.

5. Hanson R: Hardwiring Happiness: How to reshape your brain and your life. Rider Ebury Publishing, Random House, UK. 2013. 

6. Fisher R, Ury W. Getting to Yes: Negotiating an Agreement without Giving in. Random House Business Books. 2012.

7. Greene J. Moral Tribes: Emotion, Reason, and the Gap Between Us and Them. Atlantic Books. 2014.

8. Marsh J, Mendoza-Denton R, Smith JA (Ed.) Are We Born Racist?: New Insights from Neuroscience and Positive Psychology. Beacon Press; Boston. 2010.

9. Fredrickson B. Positivity: Groundbreaking Research to Release Your Inner Optimist and Thrive. Oneworld Publications; Oxford, England. 2010.

10. Wiens KJ. Leading Through Burnout: The Influence Of Emotional Intelligence On The Ability Of Executive Level Physician Leaders To Cope With Occupational Stress And Burnout [Dissertation]. University of Pennsylvania. 2016.

If you found this information helpful, please consider supporting the campaign under Just Giving. Of course it is also great if you choose to support another charity or do a practical good deed, but it would be nice if you could let me know that you have done this because you felt inspired by this campaign. Please also feel free to share this post and let me know if you have any constructive feedback- good or bad!

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Strengthening The Bond- Improving Relationships With Other People

‘If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?’

                                                                                                                        Stephen Levine (Poet and Author)

                                                                                                                             

       

As explained in the last post (The Bond Between Us- Social Relationships), our well-being relies to a very large degree on close and trusting relationships with others. This applies as much to an individual interpersonal level as to the relationship between different groups of people. Human relationships are complex; although we have huge capacities for mutual understanding as well as supportive and empathic behaviour, there is clearly also a tremendous potential for misunderstandings and conflicts. 

All human interaction depends very much on two things: communication and emotions. Interestingly it has been shown that in interpersonal interactions only 7% of the emotional meaning is conveyed in words (explicit verbal communication), whereas 38% are communicated through the tone and rhythm of the voice and an astonishing 55% of meaning is communicated through our language and facial expressions (non-verbal communication).¹ This is worthwhile to bear in mind in any situation, but it is probably particularly important to remember when dealing with difficult interpersonal relationships, which we will come to in another post shortly.

So any relationship depends on our ability and willingness to make ourselves understood with both, verbal and non-verbal signals and to interpret the signals of the other person correctly. And the other person has to do the same. No wonder that so many things can go wrong! 

Today we will look initially at all the practical things we can do to develop and support good relationships in general terms, mainly focusing on ‘uncomplicated’ relationships. With ‘uncomplicated’ I mean that there are no major conflicts and the people involved have no general difficulties to form relationships. The next two posts are then going to look into the more tricky aspects of relationships. 

You are the key:

This may sound very basic but is probably the most important thing to bear in mind. As much as we would love it, we cannot directly change other people. You are the only person whose attitude and behaviour you can directly change. As a general rule, people tend to respond positively on positive interactions (and negative on negative interactions) through the way of emotional contagion and reciprocity.^2-4 So, most of the time and with most people your efforts to build and improve relationships will be rewarded. However, we are well advised not to expect (or even worse demand) gratitude, affection, attention or certain behaviours of others. 

As mentioned earlier, dealing well with other people requires good communication skills; but additionally, we also need a healthy portion of persistence, courage and emotional intelligence, including (self-)acceptance, self-knowledge, empathy and compassion.^1,2 These skills can be learned and we will cover the more general underlying principles of social interactions in the following weeks.

So what can I do?

Of course there are different types of relationships, which influence how we deal with the other person(s), e.g. romantic partners/spouses, children, parents, other family members, friends, acquaintances, colleagues, customers or clients, and strangers that we meet in our private daily lives. 

The following points therefore apply to the different types of relationships to a variable degree: 

• Try and treat every interaction as an opportunity to create or strengthen a relationship.⁷ The more time we spend with other people, the more likely we are to benefit from the social contact,⁷ provided that we have meaningful interactions. 

• Have realistic expectations of other people and your relationships. For example, it is completely normal for romantic relationships to make a transformation from ‘passionate love’ to ‘compassionate love’ over the years. Desire and passion usually gives way to a calmer and more friendship-like relationship, and if we are not careful, the effects of hedonic adaptation may make us take other people (including our partner) for granted.^5,6 This does not mean that there is a problem with the relationship itself- it is an entirely normal effect. However, introducing variety, stimulation and surprise into your relationship helps to delay the effects of hedonic adaptation somewhat, so that you don’t get stuck in a rut that easily. ^5,7 Be inventive, plan little surprises for your partner and try new activities together.

• Be attentive and listen: One reason good relationships with other people are so important for us is, because these people make us feel that we matter; they give us the sense that we are truly being heard and seen.^1,2  However, we can only give somebody the feeling that he/she is being heard if we are prepared to give them our full attention and if we are prepared to listen. 

• Rules for good communication:
• There are four types of responding when being involved in any conversation: active constructive (we show active support), passive constructive (understated support), passive destructive (we ignore what the other person says or does), and active destructive (we criticise or point out negative aspects about what the other person says or does). Here are some examples: If somebody tells us that they got a job promotion, we can say ‘Excellent news! You really deserve this for all your hard work. What does your new role involve?’ (active constructive), or plainly reply ‘How nice.’ (passive constructive), or ‘I wonder what we should have for dinner tonight.’ (passive destructive), or ‘I bet that will involve a lot of overtime. Do you really think that you will be able to cope with that?’ Unsurprisingly, giving an active constructive response (whenever possible) fosters a higher degree of trust, intimacy and satisfaction in relationships.⁵ 
• If you don’t like what the other person says or does, it is of course possible to give suggestions for improvement and even criticism where appropriate. However, in order for our relationships to grow, it is important to give this more negative feedback in a constructive and tactful way, with the genuine intention to improve the situation, rather than the intention to hurt or belittle the other person.⁶ In fact, particularly if there is the need for any sort of criticism, it helps to also mention the things the other person is doing well- this tends to make critical comments more effective.⁶ 
• If we want our relationships to become closer, we need to have the courage to open up and allow others to share our experiences, emotions and thoughts. Sharing with others strengthens our social bonds, as it creates closeness and an atmosphere of safety and trust.^1,7 Opening up also means being able to ask others for help in times of need. This is what friends are for and many people are only too happy to help, as this improves their well-being as well.^6,7
• Decrease needlessly negative comments, gossip and sarcasm: Talking negatively about others and make sarcastic jokes may sometimes feel relieving or even exciting, but in the long run it actually has a corrosive effect on us and others. When you talk about other people (whether they are present or not) try to avoid needless aggression. Life is sometimes tough enough so there is no need to increase the negativity by additional negative, unproductive chatter. This does of course not mean, that you cannot get things of your chest, but when we talk about negative experiences, we should try to do this in a measured way without adding additional negativity.⁷ 

• Positive affirmation of other people, helping others to grow and achieve their ‘ideal self’: If we are generous and provide others with support and encouragement, they are more likely to do the same for us when we need it.⁵

• Appreciation and gratitude:^5,7 Appreciating and feeling grateful for the presence of others in our lives makes us feel closer to them. But we can deepen our relationships even further if we are able to express this appreciation to the other person and tell them that they matter to us. This is what the quote by Stephen Levine about. So ensure that you make that phone call before it is too late.  

• The power of touch: Physical contact with people we trust releases the ‘bonding hormone’ oxytocin, which makes us feel calm, relaxed and content. At the same time, our stress hormones are decreased.⁵ So when appropriate, physical contact helps to deepen our connections.

• Increase opportunities to feel joy, contentment, curiosity and pride (about achievement): Feeling these positive emotions gives us more trust and openness when dealing with other people,⁵ and they can therefore help us to build relationships.

• Be prepared to forgive: Forgiveness is a difficult topic and will be discussed in more detail in a separate post. However, it has been shown that the capacity for genuine forgiveness contributes to positive relationships.⁵

• Be empathic, compassionate and kind:
• Small acts kindness reaffirm relationships and allow new ones to grow.^5,7 This does not need to be anything too taxing: helping your partner with household chores, giving a colleague a compliment or buying somebody their favourite bar of chocolate is enough to help and increase your bonds. You do not need a reason for these small courtesies, in fact, if they are random they increase the effect of surprise, which may increase their effect even further.⁵
• Empathy and compassion lie at the very root of positive mutual relationships.^1,2 You can cultivate empathy and compassion for example by loving-kindness meditations,⁷ which is a practice allowing you to increase feelings of warmth and caring for yourself and others. This form of meditation has shown to have several benefits, including increased feelings of self-acceptance, trust and sense of meaning, which all benefit our ability to connect with others.⁷ There will be a separate post on the important topic of empathy and compassion, and it will also feature in the next two posts as a key element when dealing with more difficult relationships.

Preview: As we all know, relationships are not always straightforward- next week we will look into the reasons why people sometimes find it difficult to connect, and what we can do about it. 

References and further evidence-based reading:

1. Graham L. Bouncing Back: Rewiring Your Brain for Maximum Resilience and Well-Being. New World Library; Novato. 2013.

2. Siegel D. Mindsight: Transform Your Brain with the New Science of Kindness. Oneworld Publications; Oxford, UK. 2011.

3. Fredrickson B. Positivity: Groundbreaking Research to Release Your Inner Optimist and Thrive. Oneworld Publications; Oxford, England. 2010. 

4. Greene J. Moral Tribes: Emotion, Reason, and the Gap Between Us and Them. Atlantic Books. 2014

5. Lyubomirsky S. The Myths of Happiness: What should make you happy but doesn’t, what shouldn’t make you happy but does. Penguin Books; New York. 2013. 

6. Diener E, Biswas-Diener R. Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth. Blackwell Publishing; Oxford, UK. 2008

7. Fredrickson B. Positivity: Groundbreaking Research to Release Your Inner Optimist and Thrive. Oneworld Publications; Oxford, England. 2010.

If you found this information helpful, please consider supporting the campaign under Just Giving. Of course it is also great if you choose to support another charity or do a practical good deed, but it would be nice if you could let me know that you have done this because you felt inspired by this campaign. Please also feel free to share this post and let me know if you have any constructive feedback- good or bad!

View and Save as PDF

Follow the Blog- http://followthegoodlifecampaign.blogspot.co.uk

Donations- https://www.justgiving.com/teams/thegoodlifecampaign

Donations are in aid of the International Rescue Committee and the World Veterinary Service

The Bond Between Us- Social Relationships

‘Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.’

                                                                                                                                Marcel Proust (Writer)                                                                                                                        

Scientific research has long recognised the key role that good social relationships play when it comes to our mental well-being, and it appears to be in fact the single most important factor.^1-4,6-7 There is certainly a two-directional association here, as having reliable and secure relationships with family members, romantic partners and friends increases our well-being, but we also tend to be better in building and reinforcing these bonds when we are happy.² On the other hand, as mentioned in the last post (On A Personal Note: About Courage, Letting Go and Other People) there is no doubt that other people can also have a very negative impact on our well-being.

The topic of social relationships is obviously huge, but I will try my best to focus on the most important points. This week’s post is going to give a broad overview over the importance of social ties and which general aspects we may need to consider when dealing with others, and the posts of the following weeks will then focus on more specific individual topics.

Some facts about your relationship with other people, which may surprise you:

• We humans are a deeply social species, and our neural networks are primed for social interactions. There are dedicated brain areas for communication (verbal and non-verbal such as the decoding facial expressions), the ability to feel the pain of others, and reading their intentions and emotions.^3-4 The increasing knowledge about the processes in our brains in respect to social relationships has led to the formation of a new scientific discipline called social neuroscience, which examines the influence of our neural networks on human behaviour, social affiliation and interactions, and moral decision-making.
• Neuroscience has revealed many interesting findings on the topic of happiness, which I will try to cover in a separate post at some point, but here are some interesting facts on relationships:
• The feeling of social exclusion or rejection activates brain areas which are normally responsible for processing physical pain sensations,³ which probably explains why the feeling of isolation and loneliness is experienced as so painful.
• On the other hand, a positive connection to another person activates ‘resonance circuits’, and we be become attuned. We are able to guess somebody else’s intentions and emotions, enabling us to predict their behaviour and to feel empathy and compassion, which are two essential capabilities when dealing with other people. In this way the internal state of another person can even have an influence on our own heart rate and blood pressure.⁴
• When we observe facial expressions of others, our own corresponding muscle groups become activated, although this may not be externally visible. We seem to need this minimal movement of our own muscles in order to interpret the emotions/mood of that other person correctly: It has been shown that people with facial paralysis and people who have undergone Botox treatment (which reduces wrinkles by paralysing certain areas of the face) find it more difficult to interpret the facial expressions of other people.^2,3 The mimicking of other people’s expression also contributes to the observation that couples in close, long-term relationships start looking more and more like each other.^3,4 
• When we feel connected, the chemical oxytocin gets released, which re-inforces our positive state by making us feel at ease, calm and relaxed.⁷
• The need to have social connections is independent from our personality, whether we are extraverted or more introverted;² we all need other people, although we may differ in the number of connections that we have and whether the contact with other people energises us, which applies to extraverts. But this does not mean that extraverts are automatically sociable and/or that they have better social relationships than introverts. In fact, some extraverted people can be very difficult contemporaries, for example if they are low on agreeableness.⁵
• One of the reasons why other people have so much influence on our well-being is that positive but also negative moods and behaviours of others can ‘rub off’ on us. We have all experienced this: If we are in contact with positive people, they can lift us up, but somebody with a negative mood can also drag us down. This effect is called emotional contagion and can actually result in a perpetuating upward or downward group dynamic.^4,6
• Good relationships with other people do not only benefit our mental well-being, but also make us physically healthier and live longer.²
• The huge positive impact of social support by other people on our lives is demonstrated by the fact that in countries in which social support is part of the culture, the general level of well-being also tends to be rated as very high.⁸

How other people can make the difference

There are several ways in which other people can have a positive influence on our lives, and there are of course many different types of relationships (e.g. romantic relationships/marriage, family bonds, and connections with friends and colleagues). Ways in which our connection to other people can be beneficial to us include:

• Having somebody who we can love or care about, and feeling that somebody cares about us directly evokes positive emotions in us; it makes us feel safe and secure, and gives us a sense of validation, but also an outward focus.^1,2,4,6,7
• Sharing activities and experiences with other people often makes the activities more fun and enjoyable.^1,6
• In difficult times, we can give each other emotional and practical support.^1,2,6
• The diversity of other people, including different ideas, knowledge and passions can enrich our lives; they can make us grow, prompt us to develop our own ideas and interests, and challenge us to accomplish.^1,2 We also tend to achieve more in a team than alone.⁶
• Other people can also give us a sense of identity. Affiliating with others, be it in a family, at work, in a club, religious or political organisation gives us the sense to be part of something bigger than we are, an opportunity of self-transcendence, and a sense of belonging.^1,2,6
• Other people can also give us a sense of meaning or purpose in our lives.¹

What kind of relationships do we need?

As already mentioned, there are several different types of social bonds, but being in a long-term relationship, having a large family and big circle of friends will not automatically increase your happiness. It is the quality of the relationships which counts,² as it is certainly possible to ‘feel alone in a crowd’. Close connections with people we trust and with whom we can share our most intimate thoughts are the ones, which make the difference. In fact it has been shown that having just one other person in our life who is able to provide social support, has a direct positive impact on our well-being and stress resilience.⁸ This trusted person does not necessarily need to be a spouse, it can also be a family member or a friend.

Interestingly, the subjective feeling to be connected and socially supported seems to be more important than the actual level of received support.⁸ Also, it is not all about receiving: being able to provide support and performing acts of kindness can also increase our well-being.^1,2,6

Why it can be difficult to have good relationships

There are many reasons why it may be difficult to form stable and close relationships. Sometimes this may be due to external circumstances, but more commonly it has to do with interpersonal difficulties. These can for example arise if we have a high level of insecurities, anxieties, frustrations or feelings of shame when interacting with other people, or if we are unable to read our own emotions or lack empathy and compassion for ourselves and/or others.⁴ And other people can obviously have similar problems, making it more difficult for us to communicate with them.

Even if we do not generally have problems when interacting with other people, there are plenty of opportunities for misunderstandings and miscommunications. Not all of us find it easy to deal well with conflict situations, and we may lose our interpersonal skills and empathy when we get stressed or hurt.⁹ We may also start taking other people for granted due to the effects of hedonic adaptation.^1,2,8

Further information on the web

One of my lovely colleagues has found this great TED talk, where psychiatrist Robert Waldinger summarizes the results of one of the longest studies on happiness and life-satisfaction that has ever been conducted. This interesting lecture will no doubt prompt you to review your priorities in life: https://www.ted.com/What Makes A Good Life

A truly amazing person- What can we learn from…:

Philippe Pozzo di Borgo and Abdel Sellou are both remarkable people from very different walks of life, who have developed a very unlikely friendship: Philippe, was born into a wealthy aristocratic French family and enjoyed a successful, comfortable life until tragic events took place: First his wife was diagnosed with cancer and then a paragliding accident left him tetraplegic, only able to move his head. Only three years after the accident his wife died. Abdel was born in Algeria, but grew up at his aunt and uncle in Paris, initially living a carefree life and engaging in a criminal career.

The paths of Philippe and Abdel crossed when Philippe needed a new carer and life assistant, and Abdel had to attend job interviews to continue receiving unemployment benefits- although he had no intention of accepting job offers. However, against all odds, the encounter turned out to be life-changing as Philippe offered Abdel the job and Abdel accepted. Over many years, the two very different characters developed a deep friendship, helping each other in quite different ways.

Philippe says about Abdel’s time as his carer: ‘He was unbearable, vain, proud, brutal, inconsistent, human. Without him, I would have rotted to death. Abdel looked after me without fail, as if I was a babe in arms. Attentive to the smallest detail, close to me when I was miles away from myself, he set me free when I was a prisoner, protected me when I was weak, made me laugh when I cried. He was my guardian devil.’ Whereas Abdel says about Philippe: ‘Monsieur Pozzo talked to me like a father would, and advisor, a sage. He tried to teach me order and morality, values that had always been completely foreign to me. He did it gently, with intelligence, so as not to put me on the defensive as I was with the teachers, the police, and the judges (…) Monsieur Pozzo is perhaps simply a friend. The first one. The only one.’

We can learn many things about the importance of strong and mutually supporting connections with others from these two extraordinary people, but one of the most fascinating aspects is that if we have the courage to be open-minded and willing to take other people as they are, we may be able to find unexpected friendships: We can find ‘gardeners who make our souls blossom’ even among people who seem very different to us.

Philippe and Abdel have given an insight into their lives and unique friendship in two books- A Second Wind by Philippe Pozzo di Borgo and You Changed My Life by Abdel Sellou- giving a thought-provoking and quite often very funny account of their experiences. Their story was also the basis of the entertaining Comedy-Drama The Intouchables - a movie, which is definitely worthwhile watching.

Preview: Next week we are going to look into which practical steps we can take to grow closer and better relationships with other people.

References and further evidence-based reading:

1. Seligman MEP. Flourish: A New Understanding of Happiness and Well-Being- and How to Achieve Them. Nicholas Brealey Publishing; London, UK. 2011.

2. Diener E, Biswas-Diener R. Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth. Blackwell Publishing; Oxford, UK. 2008.

3. Eagleman D. The Brain: The story of you. Canongate Books Ltd; Edinburgh, UK. 2015.

4. Siegel D. Mindsight: Transform Your Brain with the New Science of Kindness. Oneworld Publications; Oxford, UK. 2011.

5. Nettle D. Personality: What makes you the way you are. Oxford University Press; New York. 2007.

6. Fredrickson B. Positivity: Groundbreaking Research to Release Your Inner Optimist and Thrive. Oneworld Publications; Oxford, England. 2010.

7. Hanson R: Hardwiring Happiness: How to reshape your brain and your life. Rider Ebury Publishing, Random House, UK. 2013. 

8. Layous K, Lyubomirsky S. The How, Why, What, When and Who of Happiness. In: Gruber J, Moskowitz JT (Ed.), Positive Emotion: Integrating the Light Sides and Dark Sides. Oxford University Press; New York. 2014.

9. Peters D. The neurobiology of resilience. InnovAiT. 2016;9(6):333-341.

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