Making Your Peace With How Things Are- About Acceptance

‘Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.’

                                                                                  Herman Hesse (author)

Although we are still in the middle of working through the topic of interpersonal relationships and various related aspects, I would just like to add in a post about acceptance. This is because acceptance is particularly helpful when dealing with other people, although it can also be greatly beneficial for other situations in our lives.

For example, Dr. Frederic Luskin (one of the main researchers on the topic of forgiveness) has identified that acceptance plays a large role during the forgiveness process, stating that ‘…the simple definition of forgiveness that I work with now is that it’s the ability to make peace with the word “no”.’¹

Making peace with the word ‘no’ is essentially what acceptance is about, and this ‘no’ can come in many different ways: We effectively get a ‘no’ when things do not go the way we expect/wish them to be, when somebody rejects or disappoints us, or when we are dealing with somebody who has values and opinions which are completely different to ours (something very relevant in the current social and political climate across the world). As we will see a bit later this year, acceptance also plays a huge role when coming to terms with chronic illness and death.

Importantly, acceptance does not mean that you just resign to the situation, or that you collapse and give up; it does not mean that you cannot fight an injustice, stand up for your values or try to change your circumstances or behaviour- it just simply means that you acknowledge that things are as they are at the moment.

Why does acceptance improve our well-being?

Every day of our lives we have expectations and we try to predict outcomes when interacting with other people. This is a necessary and normal process.² As mentioned in a previous post (On a Personal Note), our brain is a continuous ‘reality checker’: If our reality (including the behaviour of other people) lives up to our expectations, then dopamine release in the reward center makes us feel good.^2,3 If on the other hand people behave differently to what we are expecting of them or if we come against any other obstacle in our life (for example you discover your train is late) then there is a sudden drop of dopamine levels, resulting in a general sense of unease.³

Of course we may also feel actually threatened by the situation, which additionally activates the stress response and strong negative emotions (for example if the train delay means that you are likely to be late for an important job interview).^3,4 So, depending on the individual situation, unfulfilled expectations and unpredicted outcomes can lead to a whole range of negative emotions: apprehension, disappointment, anger/rage, bitterness, frustration, anxiety, insecurity, shame to name just a few. We basically suffer emotional pain.

This emotional pain in turn can have several undesirable effects: It not only makes us feel bad, but it may also get us into a reactive state. A reactive state means that we may be in denial, defensive or overreact in rage, rather than responding flexibly and look at all available options that we have to deal with the situation and/or that we retract from other people and are less likely to ask for help from others.^3-5 We waste our energy by resisting what is already a fact, lamenting how things should be, what we would have really deserved, and we may get stuck in ruminative thinking about how it is possible that things went so wrong. We may also seek revenge if we feel wrongly treated, which may lead to a vicious circle of retaliation. Or we may just hide in shame.

Acceptance can essentially help us to decrease all these negative effects which occur when things do not go the way we want them to be, as discussed in more detail below.

How does acceptance work?

Acceptance helps at several points throughout the process of dealing with unexpected/difficult events:

• Immediately during the experience, it makes us able to acknowledge that we encountered a ‘no’. Immediate acceptance is essentially what mindfulness is all about, which can be defined as paying active attention to present moment experiences (including mental/emotional experiences and body sensations) with a compassionate, open and accepting attitude (see also the previous post about mindfulness).^6,7,8 We can also mindfully acknowledge the negative emotions associated with the event, and mindfulness helps us to avoid getting stuck in these emotions. It has been shown that a wave of emotions typically only lasts 8 seconds on avarage.³ However, we often sustain our negative emotions by identifying with them and/or by reacting to our reactions and re-living the event triggering these emotions. Mindfulness practices can help us to become less entangled in the emotions and resulting pain.^3-8
• Being able to acknowledge an unexpected/undesired event and deal with the associated negative emotions, in turn enables us to look at our situation in a responsive state: this means that we remain in control, are able to identify the problem(s), find creative solutions, act wisely and make best use of our resources.^3-5 As Jon Kabat-Zinn (renowned professor at the University of Massachusetts Medical School and director of the Center for Mindfulness) said: “Acceptance doesn’t, by any stretch of the imagination, mean passive resignation. Quite the opposite. It takes a huge amount of fortitude and motivation to accept what is -especially when you don’t like it- and then work wisely and effectively as best you possibly can with the circumstances you find yourself in and with the resources at your disposal, both inner and outer, to mitigate, heal, redirect, and change what can be changed.”⁷ More information on how to deal with difficult situations can also be found in the previous post Dealing With The Darker Days- Working Out What To Do.
• Sometimes of course we may encounter situations we cannot change; we can also generally not change other people - we can try to influence and convince them by changing our behaviour, by discussion and negotiation, or we may even try to force them to change their behaviour (usually not a good idea if you are truly interested in a good relationship!) - but we cannot directly change others. And there are also certain aspects of ourselves we cannot change. In these situations, acceptance and self-acceptance help us to tolerate the ‘status quo’ and coming to terms with how things are, rather than holding on to unrealistic expectations, desires and dreams.^3,8 Acceptance could also be interpreted as a letting go of our (excessive) expectations, desires and the wish to control things. This is why I like the quote by Herman Hesse so much: It reminds us that letting go is sometimes right choice; it can make us more resilient as we avoid wasting our energy clinging onto unchangeable memories, events or people in the desperate wish that they will become what we want them to be.

In summary, acceptance helps us to deal with the immediate negative emotions triggered by the event, it enables us to move forward (identifying possible solutions, keeping us connected to other people and finding the necessary resources), and it gives us serenity and composure if we find ourselves in situations we cannot change. This is of course not always easy. It requires openness, courage and determination, but we can certainly think of acceptance as a helpful skill, which can be developed.

How can we cultivate acceptance?

• Simple steps include adopting a mindful attitude and observing our present moment experiences in a non-judgmental manner is a way of practicing acceptance.^6-8 Similarly, we can acknowledge and honor the differences between us and other people while remaining compassionate and recognizing our similarities and common humanity. Practicing gratitude, self-compassion and looking after our basic needs and ensuring appropriate self-care are also nurture our general resilience.^3,9
• You can also become more tolerant to situations by observing calm and resilient people who are living through the same or a similar experience (so called dyadic regulation).³
• If you are struggling with a specific event, it may help to create a narrative of the experience including the following steps:³
• Describe what has happened.
• What did you do to get through the situation
• What was the consequence of the event
• What have you learned from the event (including new aspects or things you have learned about yourself)
• How can you respond to your life experiences now
• Mindfulness mediations (including breathing, body-scan and loving-kindness meditations) can over time increase our capacity of emotion regulation and compassion, which are important for acceptance.^3-8 There are also practices which cultivate equanimity (= the ability to keep our equilibrium even during difficult times in our lives) more specifically.³ Free mindfulness meditations including on equanimity by the Mindfulness Awareness Research Center, University of California, Los Angeles can be found here: http://marc.ucla.edu/meditation-at-the-hammer

Further information on the web:

Briefly coming back to the subject of forgiveness, here is Dr. Luskin’s perspective on how acceptance helps with forgiveness: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qS6BL9AONNk.

A truly amazing person- What can we learn from…:

Kasha Jacqueline Nabagesera is somebody who knows a lot about acceptance: She has been courageously fighting for the rights of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and intersex (LGBTI) people in Uganda, a country where homosexuality remains illegal. She initially studied accountancy but was nearly expelled from her university for living openly as a lesbian. This motivated her to become a human rights activist, receiving training in Human Rights law and at a South African LGBTI organization. Since then, Kasha Nabagesera has lobbied the Ugandan government and campaigned against unjust laws, co-founded the Ugandan LGBTI organization Freedom & Roam Uganda, and initiated many campaigns to fight myth and prejudice against LGBTI people, despite being subjected to threats and violence. For this tireless work, she has received numerous Human Rights Awards.

Kasha Nabagesera can teach us many things about the importance of acceptance and self-acceptance in life. She shows that acceptance includes valuing who you are, recognizing and acknowledging difficulties, it includes dealing with problems and enduring difficult situations- but that it can also include campaigning for acceptance. She said that ‘I believe in the possibility of a world where we can see ourselves and each other simply as fellow human beings. A world where we respect and understand each other, where we work together to break structures that hinder our personal freedoms and rights to live happy, peaceful and sustainable lives (…) In all our individual capacities, we have a duty to live and let live, and we must boldly confront oppression in all its manifestations.’

To learn more about the courageous life and work of Kasha Nabagesera go to

http://edition.cnn.com/2017/03/05/africa/her-kasha-jacqueline-nabagesera-lgbt-campaigner/index.html

or

http://www.rightlivelihoodaward.org/laureates/kasha-jacqueline-nabagesera/

Preview: Next week, we will look into how conflicting interests between us as individuals, those around us, and other groups of people can impact our well-being, and what can be done to balance these conflicts.

References and further reading:

1.      Luskin F. What is Forgiveness? 2010. Retrieved from: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_is_forgiveness

2.      Eagleman D. The Brain: The story of you. Canongate Books Ltd; Edinburgh, UK. 2015.

3.      Graham L. Bouncing Back: Rewiring Your Brain for Maximum Resilience and Well-Being. New World Library; Novato. 2013.

4.      Hanson R: Hardwiring Happiness: How to reshape your brain and your life. Rider Ebury Publishing, Random House, UK. 2013. 

5.      Siegel D. Mindsight: Transform Your Brain with the New Science of Kindness. Oneworld Publications; Oxford, UK. 2011.

6.      Williams M, Penman D. Mindfulness: A Practical Guide To Finding Peace In A Frantic World. Hachette Digital Little, Brown Book Group; London, UK. 2011.

7.      Kabat-Zinn J: Coming To Our Senses: Healing Ourselves And The World Through Mindfulness. Hachette Books. 2005.

8.      Kabat-Zinn J: Full Catastrophe Living: How To Cope With Stress, Pain and Illness Using Mindfulness Meditation. Piatkus. 2013.

9.      Seppälä E. The Happiness Track: How to Apply the Science of Happiness to Accelerate Your Success. Piatkus; London, UK. 2016.­

If you found this information helpful, please consider supporting the campaign under Just Giving. Of course it is also great if you choose to support another charity or do a practical good deed, but it would be nice if you could let me know that you have done this because you felt inspired by this campaign. Please also feel free to share this post and let me know if you have any constructive feedback- good or bad!

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Forgiveness- Why it is good for us, how it works and why it is not always possible

‘Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.’

                                                                                                                     Nelson Mandela

Has anybody ever hurt you and you found it difficult to forgive? Maybe this has been years ago and you are still holding a grudge? Or have you ever made a mistake and you have not able to forgive yourself for this? For most of us, the answer is going to be ‘yes’. Forgiveness (including self-forgiveness) can be one of the most difficult things to do, and it may not always possible. However, scientific evidence shows that forgiveness is good for us and that we should therefore at least consider the possibility to forgive.

What is forgiveness?

• As with many other things, different people tend to have a different understanding of forgiveness. Some people think that forgiveness means reconciliation (= re-establishing a friendly relationship), that it is only possible if justice has been made, or that forgiveness includes forgetting about the wrongdoing in the sense of ‘forgive and forget’ or that it might even mean excusing or condoning the transgression.
• Most researchers investigating the role of forgiveness understand it to be the conscious choice of a person, who has experienced injustice, to let go of resentment and anger towards the offending person, which sometimes (but not necessarily) includes even positive thoughts or feelings.^1-3 Using this definition, forgiveness is not forgetting, condoning, excusing the wrongdoing, and it does not necessarily lead to reconciliation or justice.² Although forgiveness without reconciliation is possible, true reconciliation cannot occur without forgiveness. Researchers also agree that forgiveness is a process and that certain conditions need to be met before forgiveness is possible.^1-3
• Forgiveness has been mostly examined in the context of misconduct between two different individuals (e.g. within marriages, or as a process of restorative justice within the criminal law), but increasingly research has also explored the role of forgiveness between different groups of people (e.g. in civil wars and other conflicts) and self-forgiveness.^1-4

Why forgiveness is good for us

Suffering a significant injustice, injury, disappointment or betrayal can be a very painful experience. If this experience is not resolved, we can get caught up in it; we may allow ourselves to be defined by what happened to us and feeling constant anger, resentment, hostility and bitterness towards the person who has caused (or who we believe has caused) our suffering.⁵ Constantly experiencing and holding onto these strong negative emotions further aggravates our distress. It also ties us to our past and prevents us from moving on in our lives. In the long run, these strong negative emotions can even have serious negative consequences for our physical health.^6,7

But the transgressions do not even have to be severe: interpersonal conflicts in marriages or between friends and family members can sometimes arise over relatively minor issues, which then escalate over time as the parties are caught up in mutual retaliations and revenge.⁸ It is therefore important to differentiate between true transgressions which have caused us genuine emotional pain, and unhelpful negative emotions where someone has merely hurt our (false) pride.⁶

It has been shown that forgiveness has multiple positive effects on us- it can give us peace, closure, and reduce our suffering; improved general mental and physical well-being; and it prevents the vicious circle of retaliation.^6-8 Interestingly, even in good relationships, we spend about 1/3^rd of the time with repairing the relationship and as forgiveness is important for reconciliation, it strengthens relationships.^5,8

In summary, forgiveness can moderate our transformation from a position of negativity, defensiveness and victimization into a situation of hope, liberation and self-determination. This is why Nelson Mandela thought of forgiveness as liberating the soul. In fact, rather than considering forgiveness to be a compassionate move towards the person who has mistreated you, you can see it as an act of self-compassion. Archbishop Desmond Tutu (Mandela’s fellow anti-apartheid campaigner) has also supported this notion by saying that “to forgive is not just to be altruistic, it is the best form of self-interest.”

How can we forgive?

Different teaching strategies for forgiveness have been developed and successfully conducted in many different contexts, including marriages, divorced couples, survivors of child abuse, group conflicts and many others.^7-9 What is very important, is that if we forgive automatically, uncritically or too quickly we can make it too easy for others to get away with their misconducts, and we may also lose self-respect and later regret not standing up for ourselves.⁸ Following steps and considerations have been found essential or helpful in the forgiveness process:^1-3,8

• Forgiveness is a very personal process, which needs to be voluntary and heartfelt. It also needs an appropriate time; you cannot rush it.
• First, we need to fully acknowledge that somebody else’s wrongdoing has changed our life, and that some form of betrayal, injury, injustice or disappointment has taken place.
• We then need to allow ourselves an appropriate time to deal with the emerging negative emotions and grief. Naturally, this process may take longer if we have gone through a significant traumatic experience, but there are also individual differences.
• Psychologist Dr. Frederic Luskin has identified that acceptance is essential for forgiveness: to forgive is basically making your peace with the fact that you got a negative outcome- that something did not go the way you expected. This point is poignantly echoed by the quote of American actress and comedian Lily Tomlin who said that ‘forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past’. This may be one reason, why forgiveness can be so difficult. But this also implies that our capacity for forgiveness may increase by cultivating acceptance.
• It has been shown that telling a few trusted and caring people about our difficult experience can help us to move on in the forgiveness process. Keeping the experienced transgression as a secret is just as unhelpful as complaining to everybody about our grievance. 
• Trying to see the other person’s perspective and having a compassionate attitude can be very helpful- we all make mistakes and we are all likely to cause somebody else pain at some point in our lives. It is a reminder of our common humanity. However, it may be difficult to feel true empathy and compassion towards offenders of severe transgressions and crimes.
• Finally, try to explore the possibility of forgiveness (remember that this is an act of self-interest liberating your soul!) and decide if you want to aim for reconciliation.
• Two special caveats have been identified about forgiveness and reconciliation in marriages:
• It has been shown that if a partner frequently misbehaves and is granted frequent forgiveness, relationships tend to become more problematic over time. On the other hand, in relationships where one or both partners rarely behave badly, forgiveness can genuinely strengthen the marriage.
• If the partner shows no remorse then forgiveness is unlikely to support the relationship, as the partner is likely to misbehave again.

Are some things unforgivable?

As forgiveness is such an individual matter, the answer to this question really depends on personal factors. Theoretically, nothing is unforgivable as the role of forgiveness has even been examined in the context of genocide, but there are huge individual differences:^7,9,11,12

• The willingness and ability to forgive depends on many factors, including individual personality traits and disposition, and severity of the transgression.¹² What is forgivable to one person may be absolutely unforgivable to another.
• Our definition of forgiveness may also make a difference: For example, if we think that forgiveness means pardoning or forgetting the offence, we may not be able to grant forgiveness whereas this may be possible if we see forgiveness as an independent concept to free ourselves from the negative consequences of the offence (in line with the definition used by the major forgiveness researchers).   
• Religious affiliation may also influence our definition of forgiveness. All main religions strongly endorse the notion of forgiveness, but may have a variable understanding of what forgiveness entails. In Judaism for example, the offender needs to show sincere repentance before he can be forgiven. Furthermore, forgiveness can only be granted by the victim of the transgression, meaning that according to the Jewish definition, murder is unforgivable.
• However, regardless of our religious affiliation, it has been shown that a sincere apology, restitution and/or punishment of the offender can make it easier for us to forgive. So although this is not a pre-requisite for forgiveness according to forgiveness research, we may not be able to forgive if we do not receive an apology or have a strong sense of injustice.

How can we make an effective apology?

If you have been the person whose actions have caused some damage or hurt someone else, and you are seeking forgiveness then you may find the following tips helpful:¹⁰

• Fully acknowledge your offense and recognise your responsibility. Be as specific and honest as possible.
• In some cases it may be helpful to provide an explanation, for example if the offense occurred due to thoughtlessness and was not intentional. However, it is important to avoid any explanations, which may sound like an excuse.
• Show repentance and express your feelings of guilt and regret. Make clear that your are disappointed in yourself and show your firm intention to improve your behaviour.
• Offer amendments, which are truly helpful to the other person. If any damage to property has occurred, offer compensation, repair or replacement. If you disappointed or hurt the other person (rather than causing damage to property), then it may help to ask the victim what would mean the most to them.

Further information on the web:

• In this short YouTube video Buddhist teacher Jack Kornfield explains what forgiveness means
• Different forgiveness exercises can be found on the Greater Good Website, which may guide you through the forgiveness process. 
• Further information on forgiveness by the three most prominent forgiveness researchers can be found at https://internationalforgiveness.com/why-forgive.htm, http://www.evworthington-forgiveness.com/reach-forgiveness/ and http://learningtoforgive.com/about/   

A great book on the topic:

Simon Wiesenthal has been mainly known for his investigative work, which helped to bring many Nazi war criminals to justice. However, he has also written a very thought-provoking book on the subject of forgiveness: The Sunflower- On the possibilities and limits of forgiveness

This book is divided into two parts: The first part is a parable-like story at the end of which the reader is asked the hypothetical question, how he/she would react if faced with the same situation as the main character, i.e. if they would grant forgiveness. The second part of the book includes essays by many prominent thinkers, writers, political leaders and activists, theologians and victims of genocide giving their answer to the same question. The authors of the essays are from very diverse backgrounds, ranging from the Dalai Lama to Hitler’s architect and minister Albert Speer.

The Sunflower is a fascinating read, which illustrates how deeply personal the question of forgiveness is.

Preview: Acceptance has not only a central role in forgiveness but it can also generally contribute to our well-being- which is why will have a closer look at acceptance in the next post.

References and further reading:

1. Wade NG, Hoyt WT, Kidwell JEM, Worthington EL. Efficacy of Psychotherapeutic Interventions to Promote Forgiveness: A Meta-Analysis. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology. 2014; 82(1):154–170.

2. Baskin TW, Enright RD. Intervention Studies on Forgiveness: A Meta-Analysis. Journal of Counseling and Development. 2004;82:79-90.

3. Harris AH, Luskin FM, Benisovich SV, Standard S, Bruning J, Evans S, Thoresen C. Effects of a Group Forgiveness Intervention on Forgiveness, Perceived Stress and Trait Anger: A Randomized Trial. Journal of Clinical Psychology. 2006;62(6):715-733.

4. Hall JH, Fincham FD. Self-forgiveness: The stepchild of forgiveness research. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology. 2005;24(5):621-637.

5. Graham L. Bouncing Back: Rewiring Your Brain for Maximum Resilience and Well-Being. New World Library; Novato. 2013.

6. Fredrickson B. Positivity: Groundbreaking Research to Release Your Inner Optimist and Thrive. Oneworld Publications; Oxford, England. 2010.

7. Worthington EL. The New Science of Forgiveness. 2004. Retrieved from https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_new_science_of_forgiveness

8. Lyubomirsky S. The Myths of Happiness: What should make you happy but doesn’t, what shouldn’t make you happy but does. Penguin Books; New York. 2013.

9. Van Tongeren DR, Burnette JL, O’Boyle E, Worthington EL, Forsyth DR. A meta-analysis of intergroup forgiveness. The Journal of Positive Psychology. 2014;9:81-95.

10. Lewicki RJ, Polin B, Lount RB. An exploration of the structure of effective apologies. Negotiation and Conflict Management Research. 2016;9(2):177-196.

11. Wiesenthal S. The Sunflower: On the Possibilities and Limits of Forgiveness. Random House, UK. 1998.

12. Cohen A. Research on the science of forgiveness: An annotated bibliography. 2004. Retrieved from https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_science_of_forgiveness_an_annotated_bibliography

If you found this information helpful, please consider supporting the campaign under Just Giving. Of course it is also great if you choose to support another charity or do a practical good deed, but it would be nice if you could let me know that you have done this because you felt inspired by this campaign. Please also feel free to share this post and let me know if you have any constructive feedback- good or bad!

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Follow the Blog- http://followthegoodlifecampaign.blogspot.co.uk

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Donations are in aid of the International Rescue Committee and the World Veterinary Service