‘Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is
letting go.’
Herman Hesse
(author)
Although
we are still in the middle of working through the topic of interpersonal
relationships and various related aspects, I would just like to add in a post
about acceptance. This is because acceptance is particularly helpful when
dealing with other people, although it can also be greatly beneficial for other
situations in our lives.
For example, Dr. Frederic Luskin (one of the main researchers on the
topic of forgiveness) has identified that acceptance
plays a large role during the forgiveness process, stating that ‘…the simple definition of
forgiveness that I work with now is that it’s the ability to make peace with
the word “no”.’1
Making
peace with the word ‘no’ is essentially what acceptance is about, and this ‘no’
can come in many different ways: We effectively get a ‘no’ when things do not
go the way we expect/wish them to be, when somebody rejects or disappoints us, or
when we are dealing with somebody who has values and opinions which are
completely different to ours (something very relevant in the current social and
political climate across the world). As we will see a bit later this year,
acceptance also plays a huge role when coming to terms with chronic illness and
death.
Importantly,
acceptance
does not mean that
you just resign to the situation, or that you
collapse and give up; it does not mean that you cannot fight an injustice,
stand up for your values or try to change your circumstances or behaviour- it
just simply means that you acknowledge that things are as they are at the
moment.
Why does acceptance improve our well-being?
Every
day of our lives we have expectations and we try to predict outcomes when
interacting with other people. This is a necessary and normal process.2
As mentioned in a previous post (On a Personal Note), our brain is a continuous
‘reality checker’: If our reality (including the behaviour of other people)
lives up to our expectations, then dopamine release in the reward center makes
us feel good.2,3 If on the other hand people behave differently to
what we are expecting of them or if we come against any other obstacle in our
life (for example you discover your train is late) then there is a sudden drop
of dopamine levels, resulting in a general sense of unease.3
Of
course we may also feel actually threatened by the situation, which
additionally activates the stress response and strong negative emotions (for
example if the train delay means that you are likely to be late for an
important job interview).3,4 So, depending on the individual
situation, unfulfilled expectations and unpredicted outcomes can lead to a
whole range of negative emotions: apprehension, disappointment, anger/rage, bitterness,
frustration, anxiety, insecurity, shame to name just a few. We basically suffer
emotional pain.
This
emotional pain in turn can have several undesirable effects: It not only makes
us feel bad, but it may also get us into a reactive state. A reactive state
means that we may be in denial, defensive or overreact in rage, rather than responding
flexibly and look at all available options that we have to deal with the
situation and/or that we retract from other people and are less likely to ask
for help from others.3-5 We waste our energy by resisting what is already a fact, lamenting how things should be, what we would have really deserved, and we may get stuck in ruminative thinking about how
it is possible that things went so wrong. We may also seek revenge if we feel wrongly treated, which may lead to a
vicious circle of retaliation. Or we may just hide in shame.
Acceptance
can essentially help us to decrease all these negative effects which occur when
things do not go the way we want them to be, as discussed in more detail below.
How does acceptance
work?
Acceptance helps at
several points throughout the process of dealing with unexpected/difficult
events:
- Immediately during the experience, it makes us able to acknowledge that we encountered a ‘no’. Immediate acceptance is essentially what mindfulness is all about, which can be defined as paying active attention to present moment experiences (including mental/emotional experiences and body sensations) with a compassionate, open and accepting attitude (see also the previous post about mindfulness).6,7,8 We can also mindfully acknowledge the negative emotions associated with the event, and mindfulness helps us to avoid getting stuck in these emotions. It has been shown that a wave of emotions typically only lasts 8 seconds on avarage.3 However, we often sustain our negative emotions by identifying with them and/or by reacting to our reactions and re-living the event triggering these emotions. Mindfulness practices can help us to become less entangled in the emotions and resulting pain.3-8
- Being able to acknowledge an unexpected/undesired event and deal with the associated negative emotions, in turn enables us to look at our situation in a responsive state: this means that we remain in control, are able to identify the problem(s), find creative solutions, act wisely and make best use of our resources.3-5 As Jon Kabat-Zinn (renowned professor at the University of Massachusetts Medical School and director of the Center for Mindfulness) said: “Acceptance doesn’t, by any stretch of the imagination, mean passive resignation. Quite the opposite. It takes a huge amount of fortitude and motivation to accept what is -especially when you don’t like it- and then work wisely and effectively as best you possibly can with the circumstances you find yourself in and with the resources at your disposal, both inner and outer, to mitigate, heal, redirect, and change what can be changed.”7 More information on how to deal with difficult situations can also be found in the previous post Dealing With The Darker Days- Working Out What To Do.
- Sometimes of course we may encounter situations we cannot change; we can also generally not change other people - we can try to influence and convince them by changing our behaviour, by discussion and negotiation, or we may even try to force them to change their behaviour (usually not a good idea if you are truly interested in a good relationship!) - but we cannot directly change others. And there are also certain aspects of ourselves we cannot change. In these situations, acceptance and self-acceptance help us to tolerate the ‘status quo’ and coming to terms with how things are, rather than holding on to unrealistic expectations, desires and dreams.3,8 Acceptance could also be interpreted as a letting go of our (excessive) expectations, desires and the wish to control things. This is why I like the quote by Herman Hesse so much: It reminds us that letting go is sometimes right choice; it can make us more resilient as we avoid wasting our energy clinging onto unchangeable memories, events or people in the desperate wish that they will become what we want them to be.
In summary, acceptance helps us to deal with the immediate negative emotions triggered by the event, it enables us to move forward (identifying possible solutions, keeping
us connected to other people and finding the necessary resources), and it gives us serenity and composure if we find
ourselves in situations we cannot change. This is of course not always
easy. It requires openness, courage and determination, but we can certainly
think of acceptance as a helpful skill, which can be developed.
How can we
cultivate acceptance?
- Simple steps include adopting a mindful attitude and observing our present moment experiences in a non-judgmental manner is a way of practicing acceptance.6-8 Similarly, we can acknowledge and honor the differences between us and other people while remaining compassionate and recognizing our similarities and common humanity. Practicing gratitude, self-compassion and looking after our basic needs and ensuring appropriate self-care are also nurture our general resilience.3,9
- You can also become more tolerant to situations by observing calm and resilient people who are living through the same or a similar experience (so called dyadic regulation).3
- If you are struggling with a specific event, it may help to create a narrative of the experience including the following steps:3
- Describe what has happened.
- What did you do to get through the situation
- What was the consequence of the event
- What have you learned from the event (including new aspects or things you have learned about yourself)
- How can you respond to your life experiences now
- Mindfulness mediations (including breathing, body-scan and loving-kindness meditations) can over time increase our capacity of emotion regulation and compassion, which are important for acceptance.3-8 There are also practices which cultivate equanimity (= the ability to keep our equilibrium even during difficult times in our lives) more specifically.3 Free mindfulness meditations including on equanimity by the Mindfulness Awareness Research Center, University of California, Los Angeles can be found here: http://marc.ucla.edu/meditation-at-the-hammer
Further information on
the web:
Briefly
coming back to the subject of forgiveness, here is Dr. Luskin’s perspective on
how acceptance helps with forgiveness: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qS6BL9AONNk.
A truly amazing person-
What can we learn from…:
Kasha Jacqueline Nabagesera is somebody who knows a
lot about acceptance: She has been courageously fighting for the rights of
lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and intersex (LGBTI) people in Uganda, a
country where homosexuality remains illegal. She initially studied accountancy
but was nearly expelled from her university for living openly as a lesbian.
This motivated her to become a human rights activist, receiving training in
Human Rights law and at a South African LGBTI organization. Since then, Kasha
Nabagesera has lobbied the Ugandan government and campaigned against unjust
laws, co-founded the Ugandan LGBTI organization Freedom & Roam Uganda, and initiated many
campaigns to fight myth and prejudice against LGBTI people, despite being
subjected to threats and violence. For this tireless work, she has received numerous
Human Rights Awards.
Kasha Nabagesera can
teach us many things about the importance of acceptance and self-acceptance in
life. She shows that acceptance includes valuing who you are, recognizing and acknowledging
difficulties, it includes dealing with problems and enduring difficult situations- but that it can also include campaigning for acceptance. She said that ‘I believe in the possibility of a
world where we can see ourselves and each other simply as fellow human beings.
A world where we respect and understand each other, where we work together to
break structures that hinder our personal freedoms and rights to live happy,
peaceful and sustainable lives (…)
In all our individual capacities, we have a duty to live and let live, and we
must boldly
confront oppression in all its manifestations.’
To learn more about the courageous life and work of Kasha
Nabagesera go to
or
Preview: Next week, we will look
into how conflicting interests between us as individuals, those around us, and
other groups of people can impact our well-being, and what can be done to
balance these conflicts.
References and further reading:
1. Luskin
F. What is Forgiveness? 2010. Retrieved from: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_is_forgiveness
2.
Eagleman D. The Brain: The story
of you. Canongate Books Ltd; Edinburgh, UK. 2015.
3. Graham
L. Bouncing Back: Rewiring Your Brain for Maximum Resilience and Well-Being.
New World Library; Novato. 2013.
4. Hanson
R: Hardwiring Happiness: How to reshape your brain and your life. Rider Ebury
Publishing, Random House, UK. 2013.
5. Siegel
D. Mindsight: Transform Your Brain with the New Science of Kindness. Oneworld
Publications; Oxford, UK. 2011.
6.
Williams M, Penman D. Mindfulness: A Practical Guide To
Finding Peace In A Frantic World. Hachette Digital Little, Brown Book Group;
London, UK. 2011.
7. Kabat-Zinn J: Coming To Our Senses: Healing Ourselves And The World
Through Mindfulness. Hachette Books. 2005.
8. Kabat-Zinn J: Full Catastrophe Living: How To Cope With Stress, Pain and
Illness Using Mindfulness Meditation. Piatkus. 2013.
9.
Seppälä E. The Happiness Track:
How to Apply the Science of Happiness to Accelerate Your Success. Piatkus;
London, UK. 2016.
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