Connecting To Something Big: How It Improves Your Well-being ... And Why You Do Not Need To Be Religious For It

‘That is happiness; to be dissolved into something complete and great.’

                                                                                  Willa Cather (writer)

This week’s post is about a big topic – in the widest sense, it has to do with spirituality. As I am aware that, just as political beliefs, the topic of religion can be divisive and I would like to stress that the content of this post reflects what is known about this subject in the current relevant literature, rather than representing my own views.

Why we need something big

• Research has shown that our well-being is highly dependent on the ability to see ourselves as a part of a larger, interconnected whole.¹ By dissolving the boundaries between our physical self, other people, nature or an abstract concept, we become less self-focused and - as a result - we become happier.^1-5
• This process (also called self-transcendence) gives us a sense of meaning, a source of hope and provides a larger framework that we can set our life in.² The type of this larger framework may vary: It can be the belief in our family, our closer community or our nation, other sentient beings, a God or another larger value system (even science, for example), or simply nature or the universe.^1-5 This expansion of our identity and the feeling that we are part of something larger gives us the sense of interconnection. Linking ourselves to other people or larger systems/concepts is a requirement for a meaningful and purposeful life.¹
• Another way to look at self-transcendence and interconnection is to see it as a cohesive narrative:¹ We humans need to have the feeling that we understand who we are and what happens to us. We need to be able to tell the story of our own life and it is important that this story makes sense (at least to us!). And of course storytelling is never just about the central character: it is about how the main character relates to other people and the greater setting. In other words, telling our story is also about interlinking and forming connections. A cohesive narrative gives us security, self-esteem; it helps us to make sense of our lives and gives us orientation; and it provides the feeling of a continuation beyond the boundaries of time and distances.¹ For example, we may see ourselves as a continuation of all previous members of our family or larger community throughout history. Or we may see ourselves as part of a larger current world community (e.g. through our occupation or religion).

What about spirituality?

• Sometimes, the connection to another value system is called religion or spirituality. Particularly the term ‘spirituality’ means different things to different people. Usually it is used in the sense of a’ quality that involves deep feelings and beliefs of a religious nature rather than the physical parts of life.’⁷ However, spirituality can also be defined more broadly. For example, there has been a consensus of palliative healthcare providers in the US defining spirituality as follows:

‘Spirituality is the aspect of humanity that refers to the way individuals seek and express meaning and purpose and the way they experience their connectedness to the moment, to self, to others, to nature, and to the significant or sacred.’⁷

• For this post, I am using the term spirituality as defined in above consensus statement: It includes any form of (inter)connectedness and self-transcendence, which gives an individual meaning and purpose.
• Spirituality matters because it has been shown that positive spiritual beliefs improve physical illness and quality of life, whereas negative spiritual and religious beliefs can not only cause distress but also problems when dealing with physical illness.⁷ Furthermore a positive form of spirituality is significantly associated with a greater psychological well-being, lower level of mental illness, lower incidence of drug abuse, and more stable marriages.⁸ Spirituality is also associated with an increase in the positive emotions of love, gratitude and awe. Finally, when people feel emotionally connected to others, to society at large, nature or the universe, they are likely to behave more positively, and care for other people and the planet.^4,5
• It has been shown, that well-being can be increased by developing a greater self-awareness and working towards self-growth.⁹ This increased self-awareness and self-growth can be aimed at three areas: Self-directedness (e.g. responsibility, resourcefulness), cooperativeness (e.g. tolerance, helpfulness, compassion), and self-transcendence (e.g. wisdom, spirituality). People with a high level of well-being typically score high in all 3 areas. This means that intentional cultivation of spirituality, interconnectedness and self-transcendence is associated with a higher level of well-being.⁹ 

What happens when we lose sight of something big²

• Particularly in ‘Western’ societies, we have seen a significant erosion of some traditionally very stable value systems over the last centuries, including loosening of family ties (due to higher mobility and higher divorce rates) and a decline in the belief in God. As a result, there has been a shift towards a more individualistic society where individual freedom and the right to individual choice are highly valued.
• Interestingly, this increase in individualism and focus on the ‘self’ has co-incided with a significant increase in depression.
• It has been suggested that this association may be due to the fact that when we live a very individual life with little or no connection to a larger value system, it is more likely that we feel vulnerable and helpless when facing life’s inevitable failures and disappointments, many of which are outside our control. These personal failures may then seem more catastrophic, for example because we can see them as being our fault (rather than e.g. ‘God’s will’), and the resulting helplessness and hopelessness can manifest as depression.
• By being aware of the limits of individualism, we can open ourselves more to a greater value system, which provides us with hope, comfort and meaning.

How to cultivate self-transcendence and interconnectedness

As a conclusion, evidence suggests that we will not find well-being through exaggerated individualism, selfish behaviour, self-preoccupation, or by pursuing superficial pleasures or bodily comforts. Rather, we need to find an appropriate balance between us as an individual and being ‘dissolved into something complete and great’.¹

There are several ways we can cultivate spirituality. Of course we can simply try to identify and practically engage with something big, which resonates with us (such as other people, value systems, nature etc.).^1-5,9 We can also identify connections in our day-to-day life, for example when eating we can think about where the food has come from, and how many people have been involved in the process for us to be able to eat.

Another way of increasing self-transcendence and interconnectedness is through contemplation and meditation. Particularly certain types of mindfulness meditations (for example the loving-kindness meditation) have been shown to increase our feeling of interconnectedness.⁴

…and what about religion and well-being?

Although I am not religious myself, I have some interest in the various religious concepts. And just in case that you have also often wondered if religious people have a higher level of well-being, here are some answers to the question:^4,5 

• Although it has been recognized that religious beliefs have motivated wars, genocide and intolerance, there are many aspects of religion, which can increase well-being. For example, all major religions capture important ideas about living a good life, promoting pro-social behaviour such as kindness, compassion, gratitude, forgiveness and hope, and they tend to discourage egoism, selfishness and self-centeredness. As regular blog followers will know by now, compassion, gratitude and forgiveness are all associated with a higher level of well-being.
• However, although many studies demonstrate that religious people are happier on average, the difference is often very small, and it does not apply across all communities, countries and cultures. For example, people who believe in the existence of hell (rather than just heaven alone) and in a hateful/revengeful God are less likely to be happy. Also, focusing on sin and hate makes people less happy.
• Factors which have been shown to specifically promote well-being in association with religion include:
• Offering comforting beliefs (particularly when dealing with death)
• If the religion or specific community provides social support within the congregation and offers this to people outside the closer religious community.
• Offering a way of self-transcendence, meaning and belonging: In line with the main topic of this post, joining a movement with a history, shared with many contemporary and historic people and with international connections promotes well-being as it provides membership to a cohesive group as well as a larger value system.
• Self-esteem and increased significance: Many religions teach that every individual life is important and precious but without encouraging outright individualism.
• Experience of rituals: sights, smells and sounds of specific religious practices can be experienced as fascinating, aesthetic and evoke feelings of awe.
• Prayers and some religious practices can have a meditative quality, even if they are not specifically considered to be meditations.
• As mentioned above, spirituality and religion can also directly evoke positive emotions
• Growing up religiously is associated with happiness even if the religious belief does not persist in adulthood. Possible causes include a sense of community, family unity and a foundation for moral reasoning/values. 

Preview: As discussed above, a cohesive narrative is very important for us. However, in order to tell a conclusive story about ourselves and what happened, we need reliable memories. But as you will find out next week, our memories can sometimes be tricky business. 

References and further reading:

1. Siegel D. Mindsight: Transform Your Brain with the New Science of Kindness. Oneworld Publications; Oxford, UK. 2011.

2. Seligman MEP. Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life. Vintage Books; New York. 2006.

3. Lyubomirsky S. The Myths of Happiness: What should make you happy but doesn’t, what shouldn’t make you happy but does. Penguin Books; New York. 2013.

4. Kabat-Zinn J: Full Catastrophe Living: How To Cope With Stress, Pain and Illness Using Mindfulness Meditation. Piatkus. 2013

5. Diener E, Biswas-Diener R. Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth. Blackwell Publishing; Oxford, UK. 2008.

6. http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/spirituality

7. Puchalski CM, Vitillo R, Hull SK, Reller N. Improving the spiritual dimension of whole person care: reaching national and international consensus. Journal of Palliative Medicine. 2014;17(5):642-656.

8. Seligman MEP. Flourish: A New Understanding of Happiness and Well-Being- and How to Achieve Them. Nicholas Brealey Publishing; London, UK. 2011.

9. Cloninger CR. The science of well-being: an integrated approach to mental health and its disorders. World Psychiatry. 2006;5(2):71-76.

If you found this information helpful, please consider supporting the campaign under Just Giving. Of course it is also great if you choose to support another charity or do a practical good deed, but it would be nice if you could let me know that you have done this because you felt inspired by this campaign. Please also feel free to share this post and let me know if you have any constructive feedback- good or bad!

View and Save as PDF

Follow the Blog- http://followthegoodlifecampaign.blogspot.co.uk

Donations- https://www.justgiving.com/teams/thegoodlifecampaign

Donations are in aid of the International Rescue Committee and the World Veterinary Service

Making Your Peace With How Things Are- About Acceptance

‘Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.’

                                                                                  Herman Hesse (author)

Although we are still in the middle of working through the topic of interpersonal relationships and various related aspects, I would just like to add in a post about acceptance. This is because acceptance is particularly helpful when dealing with other people, although it can also be greatly beneficial for other situations in our lives.

For example, Dr. Frederic Luskin (one of the main researchers on the topic of forgiveness) has identified that acceptance plays a large role during the forgiveness process, stating that ‘…the simple definition of forgiveness that I work with now is that it’s the ability to make peace with the word “no”.’¹

Making peace with the word ‘no’ is essentially what acceptance is about, and this ‘no’ can come in many different ways: We effectively get a ‘no’ when things do not go the way we expect/wish them to be, when somebody rejects or disappoints us, or when we are dealing with somebody who has values and opinions which are completely different to ours (something very relevant in the current social and political climate across the world). As we will see a bit later this year, acceptance also plays a huge role when coming to terms with chronic illness and death.

Importantly, acceptance does not mean that you just resign to the situation, or that you collapse and give up; it does not mean that you cannot fight an injustice, stand up for your values or try to change your circumstances or behaviour- it just simply means that you acknowledge that things are as they are at the moment.

Why does acceptance improve our well-being?

Every day of our lives we have expectations and we try to predict outcomes when interacting with other people. This is a necessary and normal process.² As mentioned in a previous post (On a Personal Note), our brain is a continuous ‘reality checker’: If our reality (including the behaviour of other people) lives up to our expectations, then dopamine release in the reward center makes us feel good.^2,3 If on the other hand people behave differently to what we are expecting of them or if we come against any other obstacle in our life (for example you discover your train is late) then there is a sudden drop of dopamine levels, resulting in a general sense of unease.³

Of course we may also feel actually threatened by the situation, which additionally activates the stress response and strong negative emotions (for example if the train delay means that you are likely to be late for an important job interview).^3,4 So, depending on the individual situation, unfulfilled expectations and unpredicted outcomes can lead to a whole range of negative emotions: apprehension, disappointment, anger/rage, bitterness, frustration, anxiety, insecurity, shame to name just a few. We basically suffer emotional pain.

This emotional pain in turn can have several undesirable effects: It not only makes us feel bad, but it may also get us into a reactive state. A reactive state means that we may be in denial, defensive or overreact in rage, rather than responding flexibly and look at all available options that we have to deal with the situation and/or that we retract from other people and are less likely to ask for help from others.^3-5 We waste our energy by resisting what is already a fact, lamenting how things should be, what we would have really deserved, and we may get stuck in ruminative thinking about how it is possible that things went so wrong. We may also seek revenge if we feel wrongly treated, which may lead to a vicious circle of retaliation. Or we may just hide in shame.

Acceptance can essentially help us to decrease all these negative effects which occur when things do not go the way we want them to be, as discussed in more detail below.

How does acceptance work?

Acceptance helps at several points throughout the process of dealing with unexpected/difficult events:

• Immediately during the experience, it makes us able to acknowledge that we encountered a ‘no’. Immediate acceptance is essentially what mindfulness is all about, which can be defined as paying active attention to present moment experiences (including mental/emotional experiences and body sensations) with a compassionate, open and accepting attitude (see also the previous post about mindfulness).^6,7,8 We can also mindfully acknowledge the negative emotions associated with the event, and mindfulness helps us to avoid getting stuck in these emotions. It has been shown that a wave of emotions typically only lasts 8 seconds on avarage.³ However, we often sustain our negative emotions by identifying with them and/or by reacting to our reactions and re-living the event triggering these emotions. Mindfulness practices can help us to become less entangled in the emotions and resulting pain.^3-8
• Being able to acknowledge an unexpected/undesired event and deal with the associated negative emotions, in turn enables us to look at our situation in a responsive state: this means that we remain in control, are able to identify the problem(s), find creative solutions, act wisely and make best use of our resources.^3-5 As Jon Kabat-Zinn (renowned professor at the University of Massachusetts Medical School and director of the Center for Mindfulness) said: “Acceptance doesn’t, by any stretch of the imagination, mean passive resignation. Quite the opposite. It takes a huge amount of fortitude and motivation to accept what is -especially when you don’t like it- and then work wisely and effectively as best you possibly can with the circumstances you find yourself in and with the resources at your disposal, both inner and outer, to mitigate, heal, redirect, and change what can be changed.”⁷ More information on how to deal with difficult situations can also be found in the previous post Dealing With The Darker Days- Working Out What To Do.
• Sometimes of course we may encounter situations we cannot change; we can also generally not change other people - we can try to influence and convince them by changing our behaviour, by discussion and negotiation, or we may even try to force them to change their behaviour (usually not a good idea if you are truly interested in a good relationship!) - but we cannot directly change others. And there are also certain aspects of ourselves we cannot change. In these situations, acceptance and self-acceptance help us to tolerate the ‘status quo’ and coming to terms with how things are, rather than holding on to unrealistic expectations, desires and dreams.^3,8 Acceptance could also be interpreted as a letting go of our (excessive) expectations, desires and the wish to control things. This is why I like the quote by Herman Hesse so much: It reminds us that letting go is sometimes right choice; it can make us more resilient as we avoid wasting our energy clinging onto unchangeable memories, events or people in the desperate wish that they will become what we want them to be.

In summary, acceptance helps us to deal with the immediate negative emotions triggered by the event, it enables us to move forward (identifying possible solutions, keeping us connected to other people and finding the necessary resources), and it gives us serenity and composure if we find ourselves in situations we cannot change. This is of course not always easy. It requires openness, courage and determination, but we can certainly think of acceptance as a helpful skill, which can be developed.

How can we cultivate acceptance?

• Simple steps include adopting a mindful attitude and observing our present moment experiences in a non-judgmental manner is a way of practicing acceptance.^6-8 Similarly, we can acknowledge and honor the differences between us and other people while remaining compassionate and recognizing our similarities and common humanity. Practicing gratitude, self-compassion and looking after our basic needs and ensuring appropriate self-care are also nurture our general resilience.^3,9
• You can also become more tolerant to situations by observing calm and resilient people who are living through the same or a similar experience (so called dyadic regulation).³
• If you are struggling with a specific event, it may help to create a narrative of the experience including the following steps:³
• Describe what has happened.
• What did you do to get through the situation
• What was the consequence of the event
• What have you learned from the event (including new aspects or things you have learned about yourself)
• How can you respond to your life experiences now
• Mindfulness mediations (including breathing, body-scan and loving-kindness meditations) can over time increase our capacity of emotion regulation and compassion, which are important for acceptance.^3-8 There are also practices which cultivate equanimity (= the ability to keep our equilibrium even during difficult times in our lives) more specifically.³ Free mindfulness meditations including on equanimity by the Mindfulness Awareness Research Center, University of California, Los Angeles can be found here: http://marc.ucla.edu/meditation-at-the-hammer

Further information on the web:

Briefly coming back to the subject of forgiveness, here is Dr. Luskin’s perspective on how acceptance helps with forgiveness: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qS6BL9AONNk.

A truly amazing person- What can we learn from…:

Kasha Jacqueline Nabagesera is somebody who knows a lot about acceptance: She has been courageously fighting for the rights of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and intersex (LGBTI) people in Uganda, a country where homosexuality remains illegal. She initially studied accountancy but was nearly expelled from her university for living openly as a lesbian. This motivated her to become a human rights activist, receiving training in Human Rights law and at a South African LGBTI organization. Since then, Kasha Nabagesera has lobbied the Ugandan government and campaigned against unjust laws, co-founded the Ugandan LGBTI organization Freedom & Roam Uganda, and initiated many campaigns to fight myth and prejudice against LGBTI people, despite being subjected to threats and violence. For this tireless work, she has received numerous Human Rights Awards.

Kasha Nabagesera can teach us many things about the importance of acceptance and self-acceptance in life. She shows that acceptance includes valuing who you are, recognizing and acknowledging difficulties, it includes dealing with problems and enduring difficult situations- but that it can also include campaigning for acceptance. She said that ‘I believe in the possibility of a world where we can see ourselves and each other simply as fellow human beings. A world where we respect and understand each other, where we work together to break structures that hinder our personal freedoms and rights to live happy, peaceful and sustainable lives (…) In all our individual capacities, we have a duty to live and let live, and we must boldly confront oppression in all its manifestations.’

To learn more about the courageous life and work of Kasha Nabagesera go to

http://edition.cnn.com/2017/03/05/africa/her-kasha-jacqueline-nabagesera-lgbt-campaigner/index.html

or

http://www.rightlivelihoodaward.org/laureates/kasha-jacqueline-nabagesera/

Preview: Next week, we will look into how conflicting interests between us as individuals, those around us, and other groups of people can impact our well-being, and what can be done to balance these conflicts.

References and further reading:

1.      Luskin F. What is Forgiveness? 2010. Retrieved from: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_is_forgiveness

2.      Eagleman D. The Brain: The story of you. Canongate Books Ltd; Edinburgh, UK. 2015.

3.      Graham L. Bouncing Back: Rewiring Your Brain for Maximum Resilience and Well-Being. New World Library; Novato. 2013.

4.      Hanson R: Hardwiring Happiness: How to reshape your brain and your life. Rider Ebury Publishing, Random House, UK. 2013. 

5.      Siegel D. Mindsight: Transform Your Brain with the New Science of Kindness. Oneworld Publications; Oxford, UK. 2011.

6.      Williams M, Penman D. Mindfulness: A Practical Guide To Finding Peace In A Frantic World. Hachette Digital Little, Brown Book Group; London, UK. 2011.

7.      Kabat-Zinn J: Coming To Our Senses: Healing Ourselves And The World Through Mindfulness. Hachette Books. 2005.

8.      Kabat-Zinn J: Full Catastrophe Living: How To Cope With Stress, Pain and Illness Using Mindfulness Meditation. Piatkus. 2013.

9.      Seppälä E. The Happiness Track: How to Apply the Science of Happiness to Accelerate Your Success. Piatkus; London, UK. 2016.­

If you found this information helpful, please consider supporting the campaign under Just Giving. Of course it is also great if you choose to support another charity or do a practical good deed, but it would be nice if you could let me know that you have done this because you felt inspired by this campaign. Please also feel free to share this post and let me know if you have any constructive feedback- good or bad!

View and Save as PDF

Follow the Blog- http://followthegoodlifecampaign.blogspot.co.uk

Donations- https://www.justgiving.com/teams/thegoodlifecampaign

Donations are in aid of the International Rescue Committee and the World Veterinary Service