Me, We, Them- What Drives Our Decisions And What It Means For Happiness

‘We must learn to live together as brothers or we will perish together as fools.’

                                                        Martin Luther King Jr (Civil Rights Activist)

If there is one thing that I have learned since investigating the topic of well-being and positive psychology then it is that our well-being is influenced by pretty much all aspects of our lives, and that it is often about getting the balance right.

As previously mentioned in The Bond Between Us- Social Relationships, good interpersonal relationships and positive interactions with other people have been identified as the single most important factor for our happiness.^1-4 However, having poor relationships or conflicts with other people can have a huge negative impact on an individual as well as on communities. As we all know, human behaviour can range from instances of extreme compassion and selflessness, to the most terrible acts of violence and cruelty. What may be a little less well-known that our behaviour and interaction with other people is not always based on deliberate decision making and methodical moral reasoning but that it is partially driven by automatic or subconscious response patterns, some of which have already been featured in other posts.^4-6

If we want to increase our personal well-being and that of others, we need to balance our individual needs with that of the people we feel close to, and also with those we seem to have less in common with. In order to make wise choices, it is helpful to be aware the underlying decision-making processes, which is why they are summarised in this post.

Me and We

The desire to affiliate with others and create mutual relationships is a very basic human need.^1-5 In the very hostile pre-historic environment, the ability to form stable and cooperative groups was a definite advantage for survival.^5,6 So our need for connection is somewhat hard-wired into our brains, together with the capacity to feel empathy and compassion (see also Why Should I Care? About Empathy and Compassion). Bonding with others gives us a sense of belonging, safety and trust, and even in our modern times, we can achieve more in a group than as an individual.^4-8

The price that we have to pay for this belonging is that sometimes we may have to compromise our short-term personal interests for the benefits of others (the people we care about or society at large) and that we have to behave according to certain social and ethical/moral rules.^2,5,6 To provide some very basic examples, if we have a family we may sometimes neglect our need for rest and relaxation in order to look after our children adequately, or we pay our taxes although we would rather keep all of the money we earn.

If we do not adhere to these rules (for example if we behave unethically or against the general value system, or break the law), we are likely to be at least criticized, or even punished and/or expelled from our social group.^5,6 Being excluded by others is a very strong potential threat, because social rejection activates a region in the brain, which is normally responsible for the processing of pain (literally a very hurtful experience).^3,5

If we break certain social or moral codes, we may also feel guilt. Guilt is a helpful negative emotion, motivating us to behave better in future and to repair the connection with others, which we may have damaged by our transgression.⁷ (N.B. it is important to differentiate the helpful negative emotion of guilt from the unhelpful emotion of shame. Guilt is feeling bad about something we have done. Shame is feeling bad about who we are or a certain aspect of ourselves so that we do not feel good enough as we are. The reason why shame can be considered an unhelpful negative emotion is because it generally does not help us progress or change our situation for the better, as we can generally not change who we are).⁷

But it is not just the risk of being excluded or the uncomfortable feeling of guilt, which makes us stick to social rules and norms. It has been shown that cooperating with others is self-rewarding as it activates brain regions, which make us feel good - even if this puts us at a material or other personal disadvantage.⁵ Similarly, it has been demonstrated that caring for others and a compassionate attitude can also be directly rewarding.^2,5,9

Of course we may sometimes need to assert our needs (and rights) to ensure that the group interest does not overly compromise our individual needs (e.g. basic needs such as appropriate rest/relaxation, but also social freedoms), see also the posts A Short Note On Boundaries And Saying No and Don't Burn Out- Resilience At Work for more information. We also need to find solutions in cases when there are significant discrepancies between our own values/beliefs and that of our group, which we may be able to find by discussion or negotiation or – in more extreme cases – by leaving the group voluntarily.^4,5

There are significant individual differences as to the degree of cooperation that each of us is prepared to offer for the sake of the group. For example, people scoring high on the personality traits of agreeableness are more likely to seek harmony in relationships and are therefore more likely to sacrifice some of their interests for the benefit of the group.^2,10 Also, people with a high level of subjective well-being are also more likely to be trusting and to have open, peaceful and cooperative attitudes;^1,2 as this attitude tends to result in better interpersonal relationships and also positively influences the behaviour of the people around us through emotional contagion,^4,7 the trusting and cooperative behaviour provides an additional self-reinforcing reward not only for the individual but also for their community and larger society.

Us and Them

Because our drive to form groups is so strong, there are – logically – always people who are outside this group. The human brain is a very effective ‘label machine’: in order to process all incoming information rapidly and efficiently, it constantly separates information into different categories.^3-5 This is a natural and automatic process which can be greatly helpful to orientate us in a confusing world full of information and stimulation. However, when it comes to dealing with other people, it can create borders between fellow humans: Our brain separates others according to visual cues such as gender, age, ethnicity and bodily appearance but also more subtle categories such as nationality, occupation, social status/class, or religion etc. - and quickly decides if they are in-group or out-group members.

In-group and out-group thinking is not only underlying many interpersonal and social conflicts (e.g. discrimination of people based on their gender or sexual orientation, age, ethnicity etc.) and hate crimes, but also war and other violent conflicts.^5,6 These conflicts clearly compromise the well-being the affected parties and a lot of research effort has therefore been targeted at the ‘in-group out-group thinking’ and associated thinking patterns.

In the previous post about Empathy and Compassion we have discussed the fact that our brains have a complex ‘resonance circuits’ and that we can experience the pain of others as if it was our own. However, it may make a difference if we perceive the person who is suffering to be an in-group or an out-group member. Although there a big individual variations, as a general rule we tend to have a greater empathic response if the affected person is an in-group member, and if we are experiencing the suffering directly rather than if the event takes place at a greater distance and we hear about it indirectly.^3-5

What is very interesting though, is that while our brain is very quick and effective in attaching labels to people, it is also very flexible. For example, it turns out that categories like race/ethnic origin can very quickly become meaningless and obsolete if another group alliance is formed, and the individual members have another overarching aim and interest (the composition of premier league football teams is a clear illustration of this fact!).⁵ This means that divisions may be relatively easily overcome in certain situations, for example when having positive personal contact with an out-group member, which can give us a sense of shared reality and values.¹³ So there is truth in the famous quote by Nelson Mandela that ‘No one is born hating another person because of the colour of his skin or his background or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.’

Aside from the basic in-group/out-group thinking there are also other brain processes to consider such as memory and type of thinking. It has been shown that the majority of our behaviour is based on our implicit memory. This type of memory stores our assumptions, expectations, values, emotions associated with previous experiences and automatic behavioural patterns,¹⁴ in contrast to our explicit memory which stores our conscious life experiences. Similarly, we have two types of thinking: rapid cognition is fast, effortless and intuitive thinking based on our implicit memories, emotions, and bodily experiences whereas slow cognition is the deliberate rational analysis and contemplation of a problem. Both types of memories and thinking have their place, but it has been shown that implicit memory and rapid cognition are very prone to prejudice and incorrect assumptions. They are in many situations incorrect and lead to wrong decision making when dealing with other people, particularly when dealing with members of out-groups.^4,6,13 In these situations, it may be therefore more helpful to deliberately engage slow thinking.^6,13

While lack of empathy and compassion may explain indifference and apathy towards the suffering of others with whom we have no direct contact or who we do not perceive to be an in-group person, it is only part of the story. For significant conflicts to arise, there are also additional factors to consider such as dehumanization, significant political and/or economic changes, polarization and propaganda, previous or anticipated conflicts, which contribute to fear, resentment and/or the desire for revenge.^3,11 As already mentioned on previous occasions in this blog, strong negative emotions such as fear reduce the capacity for rational thinking and empathy, and result in a reactive mindset in which we may choose aggressive or even violent over peaceful means.^4,12

So in order not to ‘perish together as fools’ when dealing with an out-group member(s) (be it from a competing business team, a different age group, ethnic group or social class etc.) it can be helpful to:

• Be aware that our tendency of in-group/out-group thinking, and our implicit memory and rapid cognition may not always give us the best advice.
• Remind ourselves of our common humanity and cultivate compassion regardless of group affiliation.
• Learn to deal constructively with negative emotions as they arise.

A truly amazing person- What can we learn from…:

Kirthi Jayakumar is an Indian lawyer, women’s rights activist and writer with a strong interest in civilian peace building, international law and Human Rights issues. When a disturbing news story triggered memories of her own sexual abuse as a child, she decided to tell others about her experience the form of a story. Kirthi Jayakumar noticed how this story telling helped her to explore and overcome the trauma, which motivated her to found the The Red Elephant Foundation. This charity offers a platform where survivors, change-makers and peace-workers from around the world can share their stories with others, and also offers education programs for communities to address issues of gener inequality and violence, as well as supporting victims of violence practical information and support. Kirthi Jayakumar’s work that in-group/out-group thinking can have many facets- but that there are also always people prepared to cross the gap between Us and Them. To learn more about her life and amazing work go to http://www.redelephantfoundation.org and

https://inspirationalwomenseries.org/2016/11/15/inspirational-woman-interview-kirthi-jayakumar/

Great books on the topic:

Ten Types Of Human by Dexter Dias is one of the most accessible and fascinating books I have recently read on the topic of human nature. The author is a Human Rights Lawyer who was so captivated by one of his cases that he went on a sabbatical in order to investigate what makes us tick. The book is an intriguing collage of personal stories interwoven with neuroscience and Human Rights Law.

If you are interested in the details of moral reasoning and the most recent findings of neuroscience and behavioural research on the topic of ‘Me vs We and Us vs Them’ then you may enjoy Moral Tribes: Emotion, Reason, and the Gap Between Us and Them by Joshua Greene.

Preview: Opening ourselves to new experiences and perspectives is one of many ways to increase our well-being. A very effective and inspiring way of achieving this is by hearing about the life stories and experiences of other people. This is what the next post will be about! For personal reasons the next post is likely to be published with a slightly delay, but it will hopefully be available by the end of next weekend.

References and further reading:

1. Seligman MEP. Flourish: A New Understanding of Happiness and Well-Being- and How to Achieve Them. Nicholas Brealey Publishing; London, UK. 2011.

2. Diener E, Biswas-Diener R. Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth. Blackwell Publishing; Oxford, UK. 2008.

3.  Eagleman D. The Brain: The story of you. Canongate Books Ltd; Edinburgh, UK. 2015.

4.  Siegel D. Mindsight: Transform Your Brain with the New Science of Kindness. Oneworld Publications; Oxford, UK. 2011.

5. Dias D: The Ten Types of Human: A New Understanding of Who We Are and Who We Can Be. William Heinemann; London, UK. 2017.

6. Greene J. Moral Tribes: Emotion, Reason, and the Gap Between Us and Them. Atlantic Books. 2014.

7. Fredrickson B. Positivity: Groundbreaking Research to Release Your Inner Optimist and Thrive. Oneworld Publications; Oxford, England. 2010.

8. Hanson R: Hardwiring Happiness: How to reshape your brain and your life. Rider Ebury Publishing, Random House, UK. 2013. 

9.  Singer T, Bolz M (Ed.). Compassion. Bridging Practice and Science. Max Planck Society; Munich, Germany. 2013.

10. Nettle D. Personality: What makes you the way you are. Oxford University Press; New York. 2007.

11. Chirot D, Seligman MEP (Ed.). Ethnopolitical Warfare: Causes, Consequences and Possible Solutions. American Psychological Association. 2001.

12. Hanson R: Hardwiring Happiness: How to reshape your brain and your life. Rider Ebury Publishing, Random House, UK. 2013.

13. Marsh J, Mendoza-Denton R, Smith JA (Ed.) Are We Born Racist?: New Insights from Neuroscience and Positive Psychology. Beacon Press; Boston. 2010.

14. Graham L. Bouncing Back: Rewiring Your Brain for Maximum Resilience and Well-Being. New World Library; Novato. 2013.

If you found this information helpful, please consider supporting the campaign under Just Giving. Of course it is also great if you choose to support another charity or do a practical good deed, but it would be nice if you could let me know that you have done this because you felt inspired by this campaign. Please also feel free to share this post and let me know if you have any constructive feedback- good or bad!

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Making Your Peace With How Things Are- About Acceptance

‘Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.’

                                                                                  Herman Hesse (author)

Although we are still in the middle of working through the topic of interpersonal relationships and various related aspects, I would just like to add in a post about acceptance. This is because acceptance is particularly helpful when dealing with other people, although it can also be greatly beneficial for other situations in our lives.

For example, Dr. Frederic Luskin (one of the main researchers on the topic of forgiveness) has identified that acceptance plays a large role during the forgiveness process, stating that ‘…the simple definition of forgiveness that I work with now is that it’s the ability to make peace with the word “no”.’¹

Making peace with the word ‘no’ is essentially what acceptance is about, and this ‘no’ can come in many different ways: We effectively get a ‘no’ when things do not go the way we expect/wish them to be, when somebody rejects or disappoints us, or when we are dealing with somebody who has values and opinions which are completely different to ours (something very relevant in the current social and political climate across the world). As we will see a bit later this year, acceptance also plays a huge role when coming to terms with chronic illness and death.

Importantly, acceptance does not mean that you just resign to the situation, or that you collapse and give up; it does not mean that you cannot fight an injustice, stand up for your values or try to change your circumstances or behaviour- it just simply means that you acknowledge that things are as they are at the moment.

Why does acceptance improve our well-being?

Every day of our lives we have expectations and we try to predict outcomes when interacting with other people. This is a necessary and normal process.² As mentioned in a previous post (On a Personal Note), our brain is a continuous ‘reality checker’: If our reality (including the behaviour of other people) lives up to our expectations, then dopamine release in the reward center makes us feel good.^2,3 If on the other hand people behave differently to what we are expecting of them or if we come against any other obstacle in our life (for example you discover your train is late) then there is a sudden drop of dopamine levels, resulting in a general sense of unease.³

Of course we may also feel actually threatened by the situation, which additionally activates the stress response and strong negative emotions (for example if the train delay means that you are likely to be late for an important job interview).^3,4 So, depending on the individual situation, unfulfilled expectations and unpredicted outcomes can lead to a whole range of negative emotions: apprehension, disappointment, anger/rage, bitterness, frustration, anxiety, insecurity, shame to name just a few. We basically suffer emotional pain.

This emotional pain in turn can have several undesirable effects: It not only makes us feel bad, but it may also get us into a reactive state. A reactive state means that we may be in denial, defensive or overreact in rage, rather than responding flexibly and look at all available options that we have to deal with the situation and/or that we retract from other people and are less likely to ask for help from others.^3-5 We waste our energy by resisting what is already a fact, lamenting how things should be, what we would have really deserved, and we may get stuck in ruminative thinking about how it is possible that things went so wrong. We may also seek revenge if we feel wrongly treated, which may lead to a vicious circle of retaliation. Or we may just hide in shame.

Acceptance can essentially help us to decrease all these negative effects which occur when things do not go the way we want them to be, as discussed in more detail below.

How does acceptance work?

Acceptance helps at several points throughout the process of dealing with unexpected/difficult events:

• Immediately during the experience, it makes us able to acknowledge that we encountered a ‘no’. Immediate acceptance is essentially what mindfulness is all about, which can be defined as paying active attention to present moment experiences (including mental/emotional experiences and body sensations) with a compassionate, open and accepting attitude (see also the previous post about mindfulness).^6,7,8 We can also mindfully acknowledge the negative emotions associated with the event, and mindfulness helps us to avoid getting stuck in these emotions. It has been shown that a wave of emotions typically only lasts 8 seconds on avarage.³ However, we often sustain our negative emotions by identifying with them and/or by reacting to our reactions and re-living the event triggering these emotions. Mindfulness practices can help us to become less entangled in the emotions and resulting pain.^3-8
• Being able to acknowledge an unexpected/undesired event and deal with the associated negative emotions, in turn enables us to look at our situation in a responsive state: this means that we remain in control, are able to identify the problem(s), find creative solutions, act wisely and make best use of our resources.^3-5 As Jon Kabat-Zinn (renowned professor at the University of Massachusetts Medical School and director of the Center for Mindfulness) said: “Acceptance doesn’t, by any stretch of the imagination, mean passive resignation. Quite the opposite. It takes a huge amount of fortitude and motivation to accept what is -especially when you don’t like it- and then work wisely and effectively as best you possibly can with the circumstances you find yourself in and with the resources at your disposal, both inner and outer, to mitigate, heal, redirect, and change what can be changed.”⁷ More information on how to deal with difficult situations can also be found in the previous post Dealing With The Darker Days- Working Out What To Do.
• Sometimes of course we may encounter situations we cannot change; we can also generally not change other people - we can try to influence and convince them by changing our behaviour, by discussion and negotiation, or we may even try to force them to change their behaviour (usually not a good idea if you are truly interested in a good relationship!) - but we cannot directly change others. And there are also certain aspects of ourselves we cannot change. In these situations, acceptance and self-acceptance help us to tolerate the ‘status quo’ and coming to terms with how things are, rather than holding on to unrealistic expectations, desires and dreams.^3,8 Acceptance could also be interpreted as a letting go of our (excessive) expectations, desires and the wish to control things. This is why I like the quote by Herman Hesse so much: It reminds us that letting go is sometimes right choice; it can make us more resilient as we avoid wasting our energy clinging onto unchangeable memories, events or people in the desperate wish that they will become what we want them to be.

In summary, acceptance helps us to deal with the immediate negative emotions triggered by the event, it enables us to move forward (identifying possible solutions, keeping us connected to other people and finding the necessary resources), and it gives us serenity and composure if we find ourselves in situations we cannot change. This is of course not always easy. It requires openness, courage and determination, but we can certainly think of acceptance as a helpful skill, which can be developed.

How can we cultivate acceptance?

• Simple steps include adopting a mindful attitude and observing our present moment experiences in a non-judgmental manner is a way of practicing acceptance.^6-8 Similarly, we can acknowledge and honor the differences between us and other people while remaining compassionate and recognizing our similarities and common humanity. Practicing gratitude, self-compassion and looking after our basic needs and ensuring appropriate self-care are also nurture our general resilience.^3,9
• You can also become more tolerant to situations by observing calm and resilient people who are living through the same or a similar experience (so called dyadic regulation).³
• If you are struggling with a specific event, it may help to create a narrative of the experience including the following steps:³
• Describe what has happened.
• What did you do to get through the situation
• What was the consequence of the event
• What have you learned from the event (including new aspects or things you have learned about yourself)
• How can you respond to your life experiences now
• Mindfulness mediations (including breathing, body-scan and loving-kindness meditations) can over time increase our capacity of emotion regulation and compassion, which are important for acceptance.^3-8 There are also practices which cultivate equanimity (= the ability to keep our equilibrium even during difficult times in our lives) more specifically.³ Free mindfulness meditations including on equanimity by the Mindfulness Awareness Research Center, University of California, Los Angeles can be found here: http://marc.ucla.edu/meditation-at-the-hammer

Further information on the web:

Briefly coming back to the subject of forgiveness, here is Dr. Luskin’s perspective on how acceptance helps with forgiveness: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qS6BL9AONNk.

A truly amazing person- What can we learn from…:

Kasha Jacqueline Nabagesera is somebody who knows a lot about acceptance: She has been courageously fighting for the rights of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and intersex (LGBTI) people in Uganda, a country where homosexuality remains illegal. She initially studied accountancy but was nearly expelled from her university for living openly as a lesbian. This motivated her to become a human rights activist, receiving training in Human Rights law and at a South African LGBTI organization. Since then, Kasha Nabagesera has lobbied the Ugandan government and campaigned against unjust laws, co-founded the Ugandan LGBTI organization Freedom & Roam Uganda, and initiated many campaigns to fight myth and prejudice against LGBTI people, despite being subjected to threats and violence. For this tireless work, she has received numerous Human Rights Awards.

Kasha Nabagesera can teach us many things about the importance of acceptance and self-acceptance in life. She shows that acceptance includes valuing who you are, recognizing and acknowledging difficulties, it includes dealing with problems and enduring difficult situations- but that it can also include campaigning for acceptance. She said that ‘I believe in the possibility of a world where we can see ourselves and each other simply as fellow human beings. A world where we respect and understand each other, where we work together to break structures that hinder our personal freedoms and rights to live happy, peaceful and sustainable lives (…) In all our individual capacities, we have a duty to live and let live, and we must boldly confront oppression in all its manifestations.’

To learn more about the courageous life and work of Kasha Nabagesera go to

http://edition.cnn.com/2017/03/05/africa/her-kasha-jacqueline-nabagesera-lgbt-campaigner/index.html

or

http://www.rightlivelihoodaward.org/laureates/kasha-jacqueline-nabagesera/

Preview: Next week, we will look into how conflicting interests between us as individuals, those around us, and other groups of people can impact our well-being, and what can be done to balance these conflicts.

References and further reading:

1.      Luskin F. What is Forgiveness? 2010. Retrieved from: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_is_forgiveness

2.      Eagleman D. The Brain: The story of you. Canongate Books Ltd; Edinburgh, UK. 2015.

3.      Graham L. Bouncing Back: Rewiring Your Brain for Maximum Resilience and Well-Being. New World Library; Novato. 2013.

4.      Hanson R: Hardwiring Happiness: How to reshape your brain and your life. Rider Ebury Publishing, Random House, UK. 2013. 

5.      Siegel D. Mindsight: Transform Your Brain with the New Science of Kindness. Oneworld Publications; Oxford, UK. 2011.

6.      Williams M, Penman D. Mindfulness: A Practical Guide To Finding Peace In A Frantic World. Hachette Digital Little, Brown Book Group; London, UK. 2011.

7.      Kabat-Zinn J: Coming To Our Senses: Healing Ourselves And The World Through Mindfulness. Hachette Books. 2005.

8.      Kabat-Zinn J: Full Catastrophe Living: How To Cope With Stress, Pain and Illness Using Mindfulness Meditation. Piatkus. 2013.

9.      Seppälä E. The Happiness Track: How to Apply the Science of Happiness to Accelerate Your Success. Piatkus; London, UK. 2016.­

If you found this information helpful, please consider supporting the campaign under Just Giving. Of course it is also great if you choose to support another charity or do a practical good deed, but it would be nice if you could let me know that you have done this because you felt inspired by this campaign. Please also feel free to share this post and let me know if you have any constructive feedback- good or bad!

View and Save as PDF

Follow the Blog- http://followthegoodlifecampaign.blogspot.co.uk

Donations- https://www.justgiving.com/teams/thegoodlifecampaign

Donations are in aid of the International Rescue Committee and the World Veterinary Service