‘Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.’
Oscar Wilde (Poet and Writer)
Building on last week’s post (Good Vibes, Bad Vibes: Understanding
Interpersonal Differences and Difficulties)
we will discuss how to deal with difficult people in the next two posts. Before
I start, I would just like to point out a couple of things: 1) Although I have
read a lot about this topic, I am by no means an expert and (as anybody who
knows me can testify) there are also times when I find it problematic to deal
with some people; and I can become difficult myself. 2) I could not find a lot
of truly evidence-based literature on this subject, but I have come across two
great books, which I have personally found very helpful (see references 1 &
2, and section ‘further information on this topic’).
What are
difficult people?
Anybody can be a difficult person- it just depends on the circumstances
and perspective. However, I think that we probably all know somebody who we
find difficult a lot of the time. Difficult
people may show a range of behaviours, including:1
- Being openly hostile/aggressive:
e.g. an angry customer starts shouting at you
- Being
dominating/coercing/controlling: e.g. your jealous partner does not let you go
out alone
- Being passive aggressive (=
indirect expression of resistance or hostility): e.g. your teenage son keeps
‘forgetting’ to clean up his room.
- Being passive: e.g. your overly
compliant people-pleasing friend who always agrees to everything and never
comes up with own ideas.
- Being persistently negative
and/or impossible to please: e.g. the boss who calls you ‘hopeless’ and attests
you a lacking ambition although you are putting your very best efforts into work.
- Being
self-centered: e.g. your sister who always demands attention and wants to be
admired
Why are people difficult?
As explained in last week's post,
there may be different reasons for this. We all have different personalities
and tendencies, and may get into situations where we feel overwhelmed, stuck or
where we experience strong negative emotions, particularly if the situation
evokes negative memories, or underlying fears/vulnerabilities. These memories
and emotional susceptibilities can be subconscious. They are often prone to
bias and preconceptions, and may result in a reactive automatic response.3,4
Most of us are generally interested in good, mutual relationships and
show difficult behaviour only some of the time. However, some of us may use these behaviours
as our default strategy in life, because we have learnt that this helps us to
compensate or mask our insecurities and shame, our frustrations or sense of
disconnection; or because we have learnt that it simply gets us more quickly what
we want (e.g. status). And when we are difficult, we may even try to make others
feel that they are the ones with the problem, not us.1
What can I do when somebody is
difficult?
Today
will provide some general tips and strategies to deal with people, who cause
happiness whenever they go (to speak with Oscar Wilde). Some important
principles are:
- Do not expect other people to change their behaviour. Remember that you are the only person who’s
behaviour you can change.1 Quite often this then results in an
altered behaviour of the other person- but there is of course no guarantee for
this.
- Stay calm: Difficult people often make us feel anxious,
angry, ashamed or frustrated and once we are under the control of these strong
emotions it may be difficult to think straight and control our impulses, which
can contribute to an escalation of the conflict.3,4 You can find
tips about effective strategies to keep your nerves in the post Dealing with the Darker Days- Emergency
Measures and Emotional Intelligence.
- Without overanalysing the situation, try to get a clear idea of your emotions
and the problem: How does the person make you feel? Are you arguing over a
specific issue? What would you ideal solution look like?1,2
- Take responsibility for
your behaviour: How you behave
is your choice.1,4 You do not necessarily have to react in the
same way that you are being treated. In any given situation you usually have
several options. This may be initially difficult to realise, particularly if
you usually have an automatic response pattern to certain situations, e.g. you
fear conflict and therefore usually react passively when somebody treats you in
a dominating or aggressive way. Although it takes a little courage and you may
need to start in small steps, you will find that with some patience and
persistence you will be able to increase your flexibility in responding to
others.3,4 Our options can be broadly divided into following categories:1
- Direct confrontational
response: This
reaction often results in a further escalation of the conflict and is often not
the best choice. However, under certain circumstances you may decide that this
is the best course of action, including if you want to quickly get into control
of the situation or you need to defend yourself.
- Indirect
confrontational response: Here you create the outwardly
impression that you are accepting the action of the other person because you
are reluctant to assert yourself. You may find indirect ways to show your
resistance and/or complain to other people, but you do not show your true feelings
and thoughts directly to the difficult person. However, you may chose this
strategy in following situations:
- When
trying to avoid further escalation, including physical confrontation or you
want to protect someone else’s safety
- When playing for time
- When protecting your
interests
- Resigned, accepting
response: You
essentially accept the behaviour of the other person or withdraw from the
situation. This approach may lead to the other person taking
advantage of you, or to disrespect and exclude you. However, in some situations
you may decide that this is an appropriate response including:
- When
the relationship with the person is more important to you than the problem that
the argument is about
- When
you try to avoid further escalation, including physical confrontation
- When
you recognize that you are wrong
- Other examples where not doing anything may be the best option also include unhelpful negative emotions
or situations which are unlikely to recur (see Dealing With The Darker Day: Working Out What To Do for details).5 This
may include times when somebody acts in a way which gives us the feeling of righteous
indignation (=we feel morally superior to them) or they hurt our pride (in the
sense of false or ‘hubristic’ pride), or situations likely to be a single event
(e.g. someone you are unlikely to ever meet again is unfriendly to you).
- Assertive response: This reaction means that
you are able to tell the difficult person what you feel and think; that you are
able to identify the problem and talk about it; that you can find solutions by saying
what you do/do not want, by negotiating and finding compromises. Essentially,
you are standing up for yourself in a measured but determined way. The
assertive response is likely to be most helpful strategy in the majority of
interpersonal difficulties, with the exception of some
the situations listed above.1
General
communication tips when dealing with difficult people
- No matter if you are addressing
an outright aggressive person or somebody who is irritating you because of they
passive attitude: Remember that they may behave in a difficult way because they
are stressed or overwhelmed with negative emotions, or because they are ‘stuck’
in this behaviour because they use it as a coping strategy. This does not excuse difficult behaviour, but it explains it. Try to be empathic and
attempt to put yourself in their shoes. Being
aware that others have their own struggles and difficulties can increase
your tolerance towards them, helps to de-escalate conflict and makes you more
effective in finding a solution which works for both of you.1,2,4,6
- Remember the power of non-verbal communication: Over 90% of emotional content is conveyed by
non-verbal signals! Try to appear confident (even if
you do not feel like it) as the other person is more likely to take you
seriously. Sit or stand straight with your weight evenly balanced. Keep your
head level and relax your shoulders. Make appropriate eye contact without
staring. Speak slowly with a relatively quiet and low pitch voice.1
- Whenever
possible and whether you like the other person or not, try to stay courteous and factual, acknowledge the
feelings of the other person but do not react to emotional outbursts and allow them to ‘save their face’ (= preserving
their dignity).1,2
- Whenever
you have to negotiate something, try to
separate the (difficult) person from the actual problem and try to identify common interests. Discuss each
other’s perspective and emotions but try not to get sidetracked in arguing over each other’s viewpoint,
rather discuss what outcomes you would find acceptable. Also, try not to be
guided by your fears during your negotiations, which may make you misinterpret
the intentions and behaviour of the other party.2
- Listen carefully to what the
other person has to say. Active
listening means that you let the other person know that you are paying attention to what they say (e.g.
by nodding or saying ‘yes’ or ‘mmh’). Repeat,
paraphrase and summarise what the other person has said to show them that
you have understood what they meant. Ask
questions about the other person’s perspective to get a greater
understanding of what they want.
- Be as open and clear as possible:1,2
This may take some courage but the more open and precise you are in describing
your perspective and the problem that you are experiencing, the easier it will
be for the other person to understand your view and your expectations. Quite
often, disagreements are about different priorities and values, and while there
is no guarantee that other people will honor your values, it is definitely not
possible for them to be considerate if they are unclear about what they are.
- Honesty is important
in any interpersonal interaction, but some
truths may be uncomfortable or even painful to the other person. There is a
brilliant Arabian proverb on the matter of communication:
Before you speak, let your words pass through three gates: Is it necessary? Is it kind? Is it true?
This
proverb is an excellent guideline when responding to a difficult person: What you
say should pass at least through two
of these gates.1 So even if something you are about to say is true
(but not kind), you should only say it if it is necessary- otherwise you just
may cause needless insult.
- Do
not blame the other person for your behaviour or the
problem that you are arguing about. As mentioned above, in the vast majority of
situation you have various options how to behave. By putting the blame onto
others, you are less likely to find a helpful solution, and the other person will
probably become more defensive and less prepared to cooperate.1,2
- Try to start sentences with ‘I…’ not ‘You…’. Sentences starting with
‘You…’ are likely to include some form of accusation, which tend to make the
other person defensive. Starting sentences with ‘I…’ also suggest that you are
taking responsibility for your behaviour. Furthermore, if you explain the
problem from your perspective (e.g. ‘I feel disappointed’ rather than ‘You have
disappointed me’) the other person is less able to argue with you, as you are
describing a subjective impression.1,2
- If
you have contributed to the difficult situation, caused an escalation or have
made a mistake, be prepared to admit this.1
Further
information on this topic:
How to
Deal with Difficult People by Gill Hasson is an
excellent book, explaining the principles of successful communication with
people, who we may experience as challenging. It is written in a very practical
way and provides lots of examples.
Getting
to Yes: Negotiating an Agreement without Giving in by
Roger Fisher and William Ury is another outstanding book, more specifically
looking at situations where we may need to negotiate, finding middle ground and
compromises. The tips are applicable for professional/business situations as
well as our private life.
Preview:
As mentioned above, there are many different types of difficult people (openly hostile/aggressive,
passive aggressive etc.), and next week is going to give
more specific tips for individual difficult behaviours.
References and further
evidence-based reading:
1. Hasson J. How To Deal With Difficult People:
Smart Tactics For Overcoming The Problem People In Your Life. Capstone
Publishing Ltd; Chichester, UK. 2015.
2. Fisher R, Ury W. Getting to Yes: Negotiating an
Agreement without Giving in. Random House Business Books. 2012.
3. Siegel D. Mindsight: Transform Your Brain with
the New Science of Kindness. Oneworld Publications; Oxford, UK. 2011.
4. Graham L. Bouncing Back: Rewiring Your Brain for
Maximum Resilience and Well-Being. New World Library; Novato. 2013.
5. Fredrickson B. Positivity: Groundbreaking
Research to Release Your Inner Optimist and Thrive. Oneworld Publications;
Oxford, England. 2010.
6.
Wiens KJ. Leading Through Burnout: The Influence Of Emotional
Intelligence On The Ability Of Executive Level Physician Leaders To Cope With
Occupational Stress And Burnout [Dissertation]. University of Pennsylvania.
2016.
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