The Good Life Campaign: No Need To Shout!- Dealing With Difficult People: Part Two

‘The aim of argument, or of discussion, should not be victory, but progress.’

Joseph Joubert (Writer)

This week, we are going to look into how to respond to specific types of difficult behaviour. Remember that it is your choice how to react to other people’s behaviour including if you react at all. Today’s post discusses the assertive response, which is generally most helpful. However, please note that there are some important exceptions, including situations when you want to avoid a significant escalation of the conflict or you are concerned about your safety; if the situation is likely to be an isolated event or the topic of dispute is unimportant to you; if you realize that you are wrong or the other person has triggered unhelpful negative emotions in you (e.g. if you feel they hurt your false pride). Please have a look at last week's post for more details on situations, where assertive behaviour may not be the best first-line response.

The discussion below is largely based on Jill Hasson’s excellent book How to deal with difficult people,¹ which I can only thoroughly recommend. Additional references are indicated individually. Of course, every single situation is different, so these suggestions can only serve as broad guidelines. In her book, Jill Hasson also describes people who are more than difficult: the impossible person. These are people who have a significantly negative impact on your life. Whether this person is a colleague, friend, spouse or relative, you will need to decide if and in which way you continue to engage with them. In addition to altering your behaviour towards them, you can decide to see them less often, or stop seeing them completely. This may of course sometimes result in changes in your life circumstances, but in some situations (e.g. abusive relationships or bullying) it may be the only way to ensure your well-being in the long run.

The excellent quote from Joseph Joubert reminds us that dealing with difficult people should not be seen as winning or losing- it is not about winning points; it is about being able to progress, about staying in control and moving on with our lives.

1) Openly hostile/aggressive behaviour

People tend to show directly hostile or aggressive behaviour for two reasons:

Instrumental aggression: The difficult person is using this behaviour because they have learnt to use it as a way of achieving their goal, and to control other people. These people use aggression as a tool, they are in control of their behaviour and use it calculatingly.
Impulsive aggression: This type of aggression is more common in my experience. Here, the difficult person is usually frustrated, because their expectations have not been met, they are disappointed and feel let down or mistreated. The person showing impulsive aggression is likely to be very angry and emotion-driven.

The difference between these two types of aggression is important, because the awareness that the other person is affected by strong negative emotions (in the case of impulsive aggression) can help us to behave in ways which de-escalate the situation.^2,3
If you have a long-term problem with an aggressive person, it may be wise to find the right time and place to address the issue rather than challenging the person in ‘the heat of the moment’.
When you encounter openly hostile/aggressive behaviour (and you decided that it is safe and necessary to assert yourself), it is important that you show clear signals that you are strong and competent.

Try to stay calm! When someone shows anger towards us, we quite often become angry ourselves. However, staying calm allows us to stay in control, which is really important! I have been sent another excellent quote, which may help here: ‘When angry, count ten before you speak; if very angry, an hundred.’ – Thomas Jefferson.
Use assertive non-verbal signals to demonstrate confidence; even if you do not feel confident these signals will indicate to the other person that you are able to stand up for yourself. Assertive body language includes a straight and even stance, relaxed shoulders, and a relatively quiet, low pitch voice.
Stick to short and clear sentences. Be polite but firm. Start your sentences with ‘I…’ not ‘You…’. In this way, the other person is less likely to become defensive.
Do not get side-tracked by the other person. Repeat your main point(s) if necessary until you feel heard.

Allowing the other person to let of steam (without reacting to this outburst) can be often helpful in the case of impulsive aggression, and may help the other person to eventually get into a more rational mindset.² However, do not be afraid to set certain limits and calmly inform the other person of this limit. For example you can request: ‘Please do not shout’.
Listen carefully to get an idea what the other person wants. Do not interrupt- wait until the other person is catching their breath if you need to. Clarify what the problem of the other person is.
Acknowledge the other person’s emotions and perspective. N.B. acknowledging does not mean that you are approving their feelings or point of view, it just means that you have understood how they feel. This will make the other person feel heard and helps when trying to identify compromises and solutions.^2,3
Be clear about the problem you have with the person or the situation. Is it about the way the person is treating you or is it about what the person is trying to make you to do? What do you want and what do you not want?
Once you have worked out the standpoint of the other person and your own interests, you can negotiate and find ground for compromise. Again, identify your limits and make sure the other person understands these. You can find more information on effective negotiation in reference 2.
If necessary, identify reasonable consequences and be prepared to follow them through.

2) Passive aggressive behaviour

Passive aggressive behaviour is often very difficult to deal with, because the other person is unwilling or unable to show you their honest feelings and thoughts. There can be different reasons for this, for example that they may feel intimidated by you or the situation, or they feel that their views will not be taken into account.
Passive aggressive people may outwardly appear to cooperate or agree with you when approached directly but show their resistance indirectly with sarcasm or by complaining to others about you. They may also sabotage you, wait for opportunities to catch you out or embarrassing you in front of others by not adhering to previous agreements.
Direct confrontation is unlikely to move the situation forward, as it will make the person even more defensive. Therefore, the most important point is to try and encourage them to participate and involve them in the decision making process.

Try to ask open questions, for example: ‘So what do you think should happen?’
If the other person is struggling to express an opinion, try to offer them several different suggestions and ask them which solution they would prefer.

If the other person voices an opinion, which you do not agree with, then try to find a common middle ground by negotiation and compromise. Make sure that you clearly say what you need, and what you want/do not want to happen.
If the other person does still not respond and refuses to give an opinion, then tell him/her what your plans are. However, keep the door open by saying that you would prefer to involve them in decision making but that you will assume that they are ok with your suggestions if they do not respond. Try not to become angry or defensive.
At the end of the conversation summarize your understanding of the discussion and of what has been agreed. Offer the other person the possibility to confirm and/or add any additional details to the agreement. If you are having repeated problems with that person, you may wish to put the agreement in writing, e.g. by sending an email. Ask them again to confirm the agreement or to voice any comments/disagreement.
Be prepared to identify consequences if the person does not stick to the agreement. This can sometimes motivate passive aggressive people to lower their resistance and increase cooperation, but it is important that you do not use the consequences as threats.

3) Dominant, coercing and controlling behaviour (bullying)

Bullying behaviour usually also contains elements of aggressive, passive-aggressive or overly critical behaviour. Whether the bullying is shown as direct intimidation or in an indirect, deceitful way, it can be very upsetting and decrease our well-being significantly.
Above guidelines for aggressive behaviour may help to a degree, however, standing up to a bully can sometimes lead to a significant escalation of the situation. Passive/pacifying behaviour is also not helpful.
If somebody persistently shows bullying behaviour towards you it is very important to reach out for help and support. Talk to other people who you trust- be it a friend, family member, colleague or line manager. If you feel that you cannot talk to anybody you know, then you can get more information and help from charities such as www.bullying.co.uk
With the help and support of others, you may be able to overcome the bully- or make him/her leave your life. However, there may also be situations where this is not possible and you may need to make the decision to leave. This is fine, as it is your choice. Remember that interpersonal conflicts are not about winning or losing- they are about staying in (or re-gaining) control over your life.

4) Passive behaviour

Passive people are usually nice and pleasant, as they want to please people but they can be unreliable because they tend to overcommit themselves; or they may overly rely on you to organize things, as they are unable or unwilling to make their own arrangements. They can also be indecisive and may be reluctant to tell you what they really want.
When dealing with passive people, try and focus on their positive aspects and stay realistic with your expectations. For example, if you know that your friend has a tendency to cancel appointments short notice because he/she can (again!) not fit all appointments into his/her diary then you can learn not take your meetings for granted and have an alternative plan for your time if the meeting is cancelled again. Or if you know that your colleague is indecisive then don’t expect him/her to tell you by tomorrow which weeks he/she is intending to take as annual leave.
If your main difficulty with the other person is that he/she does never seems to have an opinion on anything, you may engage them by asking open questions (e.g. ‘so what do you think about…’) and actively asking for their view.
It is of course important to offer support to other people, particularly if the other person is going through a difficult time. However, if you find that somebody is becoming overly reliant on you, you can deal with the situation assertively by setting limits and being consistent. For example, if you have a good idea about what the other person is capable of and which area he/she needs help with, then only provide your support when genuinely needed. If you feel that the other person is competent in a certain area, then do not get involved and decline to help by saying ‘no’ politely but firmly. This way, the passive person is more likely to become active themselves.
Encourage the other person to use their skills and strengths.

5) Persistently negative behaviour

Persistently negative people are often stuck in negative thinking patterns, which have become a deeply engrained habit. While this may not be their fault, their attitude can be very draining.
Disagreeing with that person is unlikely to be helpful, as they are likely to insist on their negative interpretation of the situation. Instead, acknowledge the way they see the event, e.g. by saying ‘I can see that you are upset about this...’. This only means that you show the person that you believe that this is how they experience things (= their perspective). It does not mean that you agree with these views. In fact it is important that you do not directly agree with the negative view.
You can also take an active part in the communication by mentioning potential negative points yourself, but then offering a more positive interpretation and rejecting an excessively negative narrative with logical arguments. Try to use humor and offer hope.
Try to keep an open, compassionate and positive mindset yourself by focusing on the positive aspects of the person and the situation when you interact with that person (this is often not easy, and mindfulness training can be greatly helpful here!).⁴
Encourage them to engage by asking them what they think the best solution would be. Make sure that you keep a calm and neutral tone, which cannot be interpreted as being sarcastic or aggressive. Remember to try and focus on the positive aspects of what the other person says.
Challenge absolute statements of the other person. Absolute statements usually include words like ‘always’ or ‘never’, and these statements are often markedly distorted and exaggerated.
Stay in control and take responsibility: Chronically negative people can be very draining but it is important that you take responsibility for your feelings and your actions. You can look into modifying the situation by reducing the amount of time that you are seeing the person or suggest joined activities that you find enjoyable. You may also explain to the person that you are finding it difficult to stay optimistic in view of their continuous negative response.

6) Overly critical behaviour

An overly critical person may also show strong negativity or hostile behaviour, but the main overarching theme is that the critical person cannot accept you the way you are and the things you do. They make it clear that they would like you to conform to their standards and values.
While it should be possible to voice measured and justified criticism in a good relationship, excessively critical behaviour can be toxic: as the standards of the critical person are impossible to fulfill (and may in fact be at odds with your own values) this person can seriously undermine your self-confidence.
If somebody does not like you for who you are you may decide not to spend any more time with that person. However, if you cannot cut the ties to the person completely, you may minimize the time you spend with him/her.
Do not try to seek the approval of the critical person. Make sure you set boundaries, clarify your own values and try to live by your own standards- not by those of others. In this way you will be able to re-gain your confidence, self-esteem and get the sense of leading an authentic life.

7) Self-centered and/or overly dramatic behaviour

Self-centered people mostly talk about themselves and their lives, and show little interest in a truly mutual interaction. They do not tend to show interest into your life, your thoughts or interests.
People with a tendency to dramatic behaviour often blow events completely out of proportion. A minor inconvenience becomes a major disaster. They tend to show little interest in your life and will top any story you tell with a more dramatic or difficult account from their own life.
Minimizing the time spent with self-centered and dramatic people can help you to stay more patient when you do meet them. When your are talking to someone showing this behaviour, it is helpful to show only a minimal response to their dramatic or self-centered accounts. If, by any chance, the person talks about a different topic and in a more reasonable way, engage more enthusiastically.

Preview: Next week, it is time to celebrate the ½ way milestone as we are half a year into the campaign. There will be a two-week interval with shorter posts (including a guest post) to allow me to catch some breath and read up on material for the rest of the year. More details will follow next week!

References and further evidence-based reading:

1. Hasson J. How To Deal With Difficult People: Smart Tactics For Overcoming The Problem People In Your Life. Capstone Publishing Ltd; Chichester, UK. 2015.

2. Fisher R, Ury W. Getting to Yes: Negotiating an Agreement without Giving in. Random House Business Books. 2012.

3. Wiens KJ. Leading Through Burnout: The Influence Of Emotional Intelligence On The Ability Of Executive Level Physician Leaders To Cope With Occupational Stress And Burnout [Dissertation]. University of Pennsylvania. 2016.
4. Fredrickson B. Positivity: Groundbreaking Research to Release Your Inner Optimist and Thrive. Oneworld Publications; Oxford, England. 2010.

If you found this information helpful, please consider supporting the campaign under Just Giving. Of course it is also great if you choose to support another charity or do a practical good deed, but it would be nice if you could let me know that you have done this because you felt inspired by this campaign. Please also feel free to share this post and let me know if you have any constructive feedback- good or bad!

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