The Good Life Campaign: About Difficult People and Confessions

'A confession has to be part of your new life.'

Ludwig Wittgenstein (Philosopher)

Over the last couple of years, I have read and heard about many remarkable people and I am very happy that this week one of these remarkable people has allowed me to publish a guest-blog, which fits into the theme we have been exploring the last couple of weeks: dealing with difficult people. Our guest blogger is veterinary surgeon Dr. Hilal Dogan, who is a very special colleague and founder of the Veterinary Confessionals Project. I will tell you more about Dr. Dogan’s project below, but first, here are her own thoughts on difficult people:

I’m Thankful for the People Who Have Made My Life Difficult

Difficult people have helped me become an expert at having difficult conversations. Honestly sometimes it's the people who challenge you the most who really make you realise what you're made of. So I truly am thankful for the struggles I've faced working with people that are difficult, especially when it comes to my bosses and co-workers!

They've helped me to...

1. Find my voice and finally speak up truly and honestly without fear (ok...maybe there was a little bit of fear sometimes). This is sometimes one of the hardest things to do...especially if you are a people pleaser (like most of us in the veterinary field). For example when one of the head technicians slammed an animal down on the table because she was frustrated with it during restraint, I was faced with a moral dilemma in which I had to make a choice: address the problem or hide/pretend like it won't happen again. Instead I sat the employee down and discussed this problem with them. This was very difficult for me to do, but I did it for myself. I didn't know if she would change her ways but I felt that at least this way I can remain true to myself by voicing what matters to me.

2. Self-reflect and see how I might be influencing a situation. For instance when I brought up to my boss a difficult conversation about how I thought the management was inadequate, he told me a lot of people at work complained about me and that potentially it's me who is the problem (because I am a new grad and inexperienced) not management. This forced me to look at myself, and really ask myself how much of my stress at work was due to being new, and how much of it was management related. According to my boss one veterinarian said that I indicated she wasn't capable of doing anaesthesia. When I approached her about that she told me she didn't feel that way at all. She said she knew I was just telling her which drugs and doses I had used for a patient she was seeing that I had previously seen. Even though she told me it was fine, it still made me question a) not only how information can be misinterpreted but also b) that people exaggerate when they are defensive. Which brings me to my next point.

3. Understanding and empathy: I can understand when you have difficult conversations with people, especially when it involves something they said or did that they are going to get defensive. However, I used to think that it was my fault if I hurt their feelings and then I had to appease them to make them feel better. Now instead I understand why they are feeling that way, because I have self-reflected enough to know that I have done it too! But this doesn't make it okay, it's actually a very toxic behaviour. I don't accept what someone tells me in a moment of defensiveness as absolute truth. It's almost as if they aren't even speaking to me...but they are talking to themselves. Trying in their mind to rationalise their actions. It's the natural struggle we have with our EGO, because the EGO always has to be right, even when it's wrong. SO I try not to argue in that moment, I listen to what they are saying, and then I go investigate to see if what they are saying is true or not.

After all we are all connected, we are all one. If I can't have love for the one that is difficult then how can I love myself when I am difficult? One thing I must say is though I need to be better at practicing self-defence. I say this because not everyone is going to be understanding when you challenge them. I don't just mean physical self defence (which is good to know) but also mental and spiritual self-defence. This is because you have to be ready to die for your truth, you can anger a lot of people by pointing out their faults or shortcomings even if you do it in the nicest way possible some people are just not ready for it. Trust me I have experienced this first hand!

Be careful and stay thankful

Aloha

Dr. Hilal Dogan

About Dr. Hilal Dogan and the Veterinary Confessionals Project

Secrets are a funny thing. Sometimes they can be good- like planning a secret surprise party for a close friend. But more often we have secrets because we do not trust others, because we think that we are not good enough as we are, or because we have transgressed moral boundaries (or feel that we have transgressed them) and do not have the courage to owe up to our misconduct. These types of secrets are not good- they can be painful and make us feel lonely and isolated. And the more we try to hide these secrets, the more isolated we become.

So how can we overcome the negative emotional effects of secrets that we do not dare to share with the people we know? The answer is that we can share them anonymously. And this is what Veterinary Confessionals is about. Dr. Hilal Dogan, who is currently working as a veterinary surgeon on Hawaii, founded the project while she was in the final stages of her veterinary studies at Massey University, New Zealand. The Veterinary Confessionals Project encourages anybody involved with the veterinary profession (not just vets) to share their secret anonymously on a postcard or electronically, which is then published on the website http://www.veterinaryconfessionalsproject.com. In this way, the secret is no longer a secret- it is out in the open, exposed to the world and available for discussion, while the confessing person remains protected and is able to progress into a ‘new life’ without the festering secret.

The Veterinary Confessionals Project was inspired by the PostSecret Project, founded by Frank Warren. PostSecret is a community art project, which encourages members of the public to send in their confessions on a postcard. The confessions are posted every Sunday on the website http://postsecret.com.

If you found this information helpful, please consider supporting the campaign under Just Giving. Of course it is also great if you choose to support another charity or do a practical good deed, but it would be nice if you could let me know that you have done this because you felt inspired by this campaign. Please also feel free to share this post and let me know if you have any constructive feedback- good or bad!

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