Interactions with other people are not always straightforward. As
mentioned in last week's post, some of the
reasons include that dealing with others always involves communication and
emotions. Our relationships depend on whether or not we are able (and willing!)
to make ourselves understood and to understand the other person. Not all of us
are natural communication talents, particularly when considering that the vast
majority of emotional meaning during an interaction is conveyed with non-verbal
signals.1 And emotions can be an additional problem because we may
lose our rational thinking and common sense once we are affected by strong emotions
such as anger, shame, fear, grief or frustration. We also tend to become less
empathic (=less able to read somebody else’s internal mind state) when we
become stressed, which can exacerbate the problem.2,3
Apart from rational thinking and emotions, human behaviour is also
influenced by underlying attitudes, memories/experiences, preconceptions,
assumptions and moral thinking, as our brain tries to makes sense out of the
world around us and comes up with a way to respond.1,2 To complicate
matters even further, relationships are dynamic and their quality does not only
rely on our on behaviour but also on that of the other person(s) involved.
So today we are going to look at the ‘karma’ that people bring into
relationships: What influences our decisions and behaviours? And how can we try
to improve our karma?
Individual personal factors:
Nobody is perfect- this statement holds
also true for relationships. We all have our own smaller or larger quirks,
imperfections, vulnerabilities and fears as a result of complex interactions
between our genes, upbringing and life experiences.1 These may result
in difficulties when dealing with other people, whether this is just in certain
situations or as a more generalised problem. Individual predispositions and
differences influencing interpersonal skills and behaviour include:
- Our attachment style: As mentioned in a previous post (Can You Face The Storm- About Resilience_Part 1) early childhood experiences are very important. If we perceive the interaction with our primary care-giver (usually our mother) as positive, reassuring and consistent, we tend to develop a secure attachment style. This attachment is important for development of certain brain areas, including the prefrontal cortex and the ‘resonance circuit’ (brain regions which help us relate to other people). Secure attachment allows us to develop a general sense of security and self-worth, emotional stability, response flexibility (meaning that we can choose our behaviour rather than being stuck in automatic response patterns) and ability to form close relationships with others.1,2 Unfortunately, only approximately 50% of all people form a secure attachment as children, developing instead avoidant, ambivalent or disorganized attachment styles, which are associated with various interpersonal difficulties (e.g. fear of intimacy, problems when dealing with own emotions or those of others, fear of abandonment, or rigid self-reliance and disconnection).1 The good news is that we can learn the skills usually associated with secure attachment style later in life even if this was not possible in early childhood, provided that we develop a positive, trusting relationship with another person and are able to put any previous difficulties in perspective (see also below under: How to improve your interpersonal skills).1,2
- Personality: Our personalities can greatly influence how we interact with others. The traits include extraversion (the degree to which we are stimulated by external rewards including interaction with other people), agreeableness (the degree to which we are predisposed to empathise with the internal state of others and seek harmony), neuroticism (the tendency towards lower emotional stability), contentiousness (level of self-control and self-organisation), and openness (seeking/accepting new experiences, views, perspectives and associations).4
- Our needs: Our interactions with our environment and other people are generally influenced by three needs: The need for safety (avoiding harm), the need for satisfaction (satisfying basic physical needs and drives, goal-oriented and status-seeking behaviour) and the need for connection (attaching). Some of us can have a strongly predominating need, and in some situations the needs can be in conflict.5 For example, if we are afraid to talk about our thoughts and emotions with somebody else out of feelings of shame or fear of rejection, we are choosing the need to stay safe over the need to connect. Or, if we put an overly high emphasis on status or goal pursuit (need for satisfaction), we may walk all over other people and/or not pay enough attention to our family and friends with the result that our long-term relationships may suffer.
- So as a result of all factors listed above, our interactions with others are influenced by our variable degree of self-esteem, self-acceptance and self-compassion, sociability, empathy and compassion, tolerance and self-control, emotional reactivity, communication and negotiation skills, and the priorities of our needs.
The power of memories and thinking:
Another really important and helpful fact to know is
that there are two types of memory and two types of thinking. We will come back
to these in more detail in another post but for now just a brief overview:
- Explicit vs implicit memory: Explicit memory is the conscious memory of our personal life and all factual knowledge that we have learnt. Implicit memory is our unconscious memory, storing our assumptions, expectations, values and personal preferences, perceived personal strengths and vulnerabilities/emotional deficits, subconscious aspects and emotions associated with previous experiences, as well as behavioural patterns which have become installed into our automatic repertoire. Even if we think that we make our decisions mostly based on our conscious experiences and knowledge, it has been shown that a surprising 80% of our behaviour is based on implicit memory.1 This means that our behaviour (and that of others) may sometimes be significantly less rational than we think, and prone to preconceptions and learnt automatic responses. Implicit memory is also negatively biased, which means that negative experiences get more readily stored than positive ones, which may influence future behaviour.5
- Rapid vs slow cognition: Closely associated with the concept of explicit and implicit memory, fast cognition (or fast thinking) is essentially a subconscious reaction based on our bodily responses and/or emotions, or previously learnt and automated behaviour. This way of thinking is very fast, intuitive and does not require a lot of energy or willpower. For example, forming the initial impression about somebody you meet for the first time is largely an intuitive process. Slow thinking involves conscious pondering, rational analysis and a deliberate effort to examine all facts. It is significantly slower, and requires more energy. For example, slow thinking is to make the effort to assess if our first impression of the new person we met is likely to be correct or not.
The important point is that both
types of memory and thinking have a role to play, but that the implicit memory
and fast thinking are essentially automatic and that we have no conscious
influence on them. Decisions based on our implicit memory and rapid thinking may be correct and may be the only way to deal with an emergency situation (e.g. when
you have to quickly decide if somebody or something represents a true danger to
you). However, it has been shown that both, implicit memory and rapid cognition,
are prone to prejudice and incorrect assumptions: They are often not correct when dealing with other
people, particularly in stressful situations.1,2,7,8
Why is all this important?
When trying to improve relationships
with other people or dealing with difficult people, it is essential that we are
aware of the fact that our (and their!) decisions and behaviours are likely to
be influenced by many factors, including emotional vulnerabilities, communication
skills and subconscious bias. Being aware of these potential difficulties
within us and others, and knowing that these are not necessarily our (or their)
fault, gives us a greater understanding and acceptance, which in turn can give
us more control over our actions.1 This is particularly important at
times of stress and interpersonal disagreements, when our brains and bodies have
the tendency to go into a reactive ‘emergency’ mode.1,2,5 Anger,
resentment/hostility, shame or fear give us a ‘tunnel vision’ and can make us get
stuck in automatic and limiting behavioural patterns. Learning to stay in
control (or ‘responsive mode’) even when dealing with a difficult person or during
a difficult time in a relationship makes us more flexible, able to de-escalate,
and able to find solutions which work for both parties.
How to improve your interpersonal skills?
There are several ways to improve your ‘karma’. Some
of the general guidelines have already been mentioned in the last post. Options to improve
any interpersonal vulnerabilities and/or increasing our skills to deal with
difficult people include:
- Try to be objective: Try to get into the habit of consulting a virtual ‘wiser inner self’ in difficult situations: take a step back and look at the larger picture beyond your immediate personal impulses and feelings.1 Attempt to view the problem from different perspectives, detached from your own emotions, and try to assess if your initial feelings are leading you in the right direction. Of course our intuition is often right- but it can also be completely wrong, particularly if we are not very skilled in communication, are affected by strong negative emotions, strongly biased beliefs (e.g. ‘you cannot trust other people’) or implicit memories. You can also always ask a trusted, objective person for help.
- It is possible to learn and improve the emotional and social skills normally associated with secure attachment by having a positive relationship with another person who has these skills, or even by role-models with whom you have only little or no direct contact.1,2 Pay close attention how this person gives you the sense of being heard and understood, how he/she communicates and listens. Observe how this person is able to trust and share with others, shows kindness and compassion, is able to reach out and ask for help if needed, but how he/she can also deal with conflicts effectively, standing up for his/her rights and setting limits and boundaries if necessary.
- Learn from yourself: We may not be perfect but we still do an awful lot well enough! We can become better in dealing with ourselves and others, if we make a conscious effort to remember situations, which we handled well. If you have identified any potential vulnerabilities or difficulties, you can start changing your behaviour in small steps and break out of your habitual response. With patience and persistence you will be able to effectively ‘re-wire’ your brain (due to neuroplasticity) and introduce more flexible and effective behaviour into your repertoire. References 1,2 and 5 are great books, which explain in more detail how this can be achieved.
- Learn specific communication and negotiation skills: Others can only understand what we want to tell them if we are able to express ourselves clearly. Also, there may be situations where we have to ensure that we look after our own needs and assert ourselves against unreasonable requests from others. Not all of us are natural talents when it comes to communication and negotiation, but luckily these important skills can be increased with practice.1,2,6 Remember that only 7% of the emotional meaning is conveyed in words; the vast majority is communicated with non-verbal signals.1 Improving your skills in using and reading body language and other non-verbal signs therefore puts you at a huge advantage. There are many great resources available ranging from books to workshops. I will also come back to this topic in next week’s post.
- It has been shown that mindfulness practices and meditations improve the functioning of brain areas, which are important for emotion regulation, self-awareness, empathy and compassion/self-compassion.1,2,5 Particularly if we did not have the opportunity to develop a secure attachment style for one reason or another, it is a very effective way of increasing emotional intelligence. A special type of meditation derived from Buddhist tradition called loving-kindness mediation can be particularly helpful to cultivate empathy and compassion for yourself and others, leading to a sense of connection, (self-)acceptance and trust.7 Empathy has not only been shown to directly increase our well-being, but also allows us to deal more effectively with other people in conflict situations.1,2,5,10 Self-acceptance and self-compassion are so important because it is difficult to have positive relationships with other people, if we don’t have a good relationship with ourself.1,2,5 We are only able to meet other people at eye level if we trust our abilities, feel that we are an essentially ‘good enough’, lovable person and are able to attend adequately to our own needs.
More on this topic on the web:
You can test your ability
to interpret facial expressions correctly in the emotional intelligence quiz on
the Greater Good website: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/quizzes/take_quiz/17
Kent
University also offers interesting information about various aspects of
communication
Preview: Dealing with difficult
people can be one of the biggest stress factors in our private and professional
lives. Next week’s post will provide some tips on these difficult interpersonal
interactions.
References and further evidence-based reading:
1.
Graham L. Bouncing Back: Rewiring Your Brain for Maximum Resilience and
Well-Being. New World Library; Novato. 2013.
2.
Siegel D. Mindsight: Transform Your Brain with the New Science of Kindness.
Oneworld Publications; Oxford, UK. 2011.
3.
Peters D. The neurobiology of resilience. InnovAiT. 2016;9(6):333-341.
4.
Nettle D. Personality: What makes you the way you are. Oxford University Press;
New York. 2007.
5.
Hanson R: Hardwiring Happiness: How to reshape your brain and your life. Rider
Ebury Publishing, Random House, UK. 2013.
6.
Fisher R, Ury W. Getting to Yes: Negotiating an Agreement without Giving in.
Random House Business Books. 2012.
7.
Greene J. Moral Tribes: Emotion, Reason, and the Gap Between Us and Them.
Atlantic Books. 2014.
8.
Marsh J, Mendoza-Denton R, Smith JA (Ed.) Are We Born Racist?: New Insights
from Neuroscience and Positive Psychology. Beacon Press; Boston. 2010.
9. Fredrickson B. Positivity:
Groundbreaking Research to Release Your Inner Optimist and Thrive. Oneworld
Publications; Oxford, England. 2010.
10. Wiens KJ. Leading Through Burnout: The Influence
Of Emotional Intelligence On The Ability Of Executive Level Physician Leaders
To Cope With Occupational Stress And Burnout [Dissertation]. University of
Pennsylvania. 2016.
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