The Good Life Campaign: Taming Your Inner Critic: About Self-Acceptance and Self-Compassion

‘To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.’

Oscar Wilde (Writer and Poet)*

*The quote was kindly sent in by a blog follower!

Do you have an inner critic?

Of course you have one. It is quite normal to have a part of us, which monitors our ‘inner self’, our thoughts, feelings and actions.¹ This critical inner voice can be helpful, as it helps us to keep our behaviour within morally and socially acceptable limits, and it helps us to avoid and rectify mistakes. However, too many of us (and I would suspect that vets and vet nurses may be highly represented here!) have an excessively harsh and unforgiving inner critic: one which constantly monitors, judges, shames and finds faults with us, no matter how hard we try.^1-3 While this inner critic can motivate us to great achievements,^3,4 self-criticism is also highly associated with anxiety disorders and depression² and is therefore clearly a double-edged sword.

There are different forms of self-criticism, for example one type results from negative comparison with other people and another from failing to meet our own, personal inner standard. Also, the reason for self-criticism may be different, for example self-criticism can be used in an attempt to correct our behaviour, but sometimes self-criticism arises because we dislike ourselves, or at least some aspects of ourself.⁵Paradoxically, although we often criticize ourselves to enhance our performance or improve our behaviour, overly harsh criticism can be completely counterproductive, as it increases our fear of failure and results in us either never trying or not trying again after we have failed to achieve our goal the first time around.⁶ There is evidence that people who do not have an excessively punitive self-critic are more resilient when dealing with failures, as they are more likely to learn and grow from mistakes, find new opportunities and be grateful for their experiences.⁶

So today’s post is about learning to tame the harsh inner voice, which is familiar to so many of us (not only the perfectionists and high-achievers), and find a kinder way of dealing with ourselves. An effective way to cope with excessive self-criticism is to learn the skill of self-compassion.⁷

What is self-compassion?

We can feel compassion for others, receive it from others and feel compassion for ourselves.² Self-compassion means that that you are able to be kind to yourself (which includes accepting yourself as a basically worthwhile person despite any shortcomings you may have) as well as to recognize and care about your suffering (= in times when you are going through emotional or physical pain).

For people who struggle with the concept of self-compassion it can be helpful to make this analogy: Try to learn to treat yourself in a friendly and understanding way as you would treat a good friend in a similar situation. According to Kristin Neff, one of the main researchers on this topic, self-compassion can be divided into different components:^6,7

1) Self-kindness: Being kind, warm and patient with ourselves when we suffer, fail or feel inadequate/imperfect; while we acknowledge that we have problems and weaknesses, we do this in a non-judgmental way and without shaming or reprimands.

2) Common Humanity: Recognising that negative experiences, failures, personal weaknesses and imperfection are a normal part of human life. Everybody makes mistakes and everybody has some aspects of themselves and in their life they struggle with. Remembering the common humanity helps us to avoid the feeling of isolation and desolation, which is often triggered with harsh self-criticism.

3) Mindfulness: The non-judgmental experiencing of our moment-to-moment emotional and physical experiences with a kind, open and accepting attitude. In this way we can be aware of negative thoughts and emotions but we are able to observe them rather than identifying with them. In this way we can avoid the downward spiral of negativity.

Self-compassion is NOT:

Although self-compassion is often confused with self-pity, self-indulgence or an easy way of ‘letting yourself of the hook’ when making mistakes, it is in fact very different to these mind-states:

Self-pity: This is a self-centred state, which exaggerates the feeling of isolation and suffering, and denies that other people may suffer in a similar way.⁷

Self-indulgence: Some people think that it is self-indulgent to be kind to yourself and that they are unable to obtain their goals without self-criticism. However, having self-compassion does not mean that you are becoming a simple-minded pleasure-seeker, and it does not stand in the way of achievement. Instead, we are more likely to pursue the goal because we genuinely care about it, rather trying to motivate ourselves with self-criticism and reprimands.⁷

Weakness or finding an easy way out after making a mistake: Making a mistake is usually painful enough. Reprimanding ourselves harshly in such a situation makes us feel even worse but does not encourage us to learn from our mistakes as we may be too afraid to even think about it. If we are instead able to deal with ourselves in a kind and understanding way, we can deal with our failures and flaws in a more open and constructive way. This increases our strength rather than weakening us and can make us more successful.⁶

Why self-compassion and self-acceptance are so important

Compassion (whether felt towards ourselves or others) evokes feelings of affection and care through the release of the chemicals oxytocin and endorphins. These hormones/neurotransmitters have an effect on the brain, which directly lifts our mood, but probably even more importantly, these chemicals also give us a sense of safety and connection.² We are highly social creatures and ‘hard-wired’ to feel connected to others; feelings of loneliness, rejection and isolation are extremely painful to us.^1,3,4,6,8The crucial thing is that self-compassion not only helps us feel more connected with ourselves, but also increases our feeling of connection with others.⁷Conversely, if we find it difficult to be self-accepting and self-compassionate, we find it also difficult to truly connect to other peole.^3,7

Apart from this positive effect on well-being, other benefits of self compassion include: decreased feelings of shame/self-criticism/anxiety/depression/stress, increased health (as we look after ourselves properly particularly in times of illness), better professional and interpersonal skills, reduced fear of failure and greater willingness to try again, increased resilience in difficult life situations.^2,6 By treating ourselves with kindness we manage stay in a place of calm and acceptance even during the more difficult times. We are then in a position to assess our strengths and weaknesses more objectively, rather than evoking fear and other negative emotions through excessive self-criticism.

Why can it be so difficult to be kind to ourselves?

As mentioned above, self-compassion is often misunderstood as weakness or self-pity/-indulgence, which is why some of us may be reluctant to deal with ourselves kindly. Even if we are able to overcome these misunderstandings it may be difficult to change our habits, if we have lived our entire life believing that we need self-criticism in order to excel.⁶ Also, by being used to struggling through our lives and keeping a ‘stiff upper lip’ we may also have somewhat lost touch with ourselves and it may be difficult for us be become clearly aware of our moments of distress.

Some of us may also find it difficult to accept ourselves, because we feel that we are not good enough as we are, that we are in some way defective, imperfect and/or unworthy.^2,3,5 This does not only make it more difficult to be compassionate towards ourselves, but we also find it more difficult to truly connect to other people, as we are afraid that if we open our true self to others, they may find out how defective/imperfect/unworthy we are.³ For some of us this may go as far as being fearful of intimacy and affiliative emotions, e.g. due to previous difficult life experiences. As a result, affiliative emotions such as compassion (including self-compassion) may then be experienced more as threatening than pleasant.²

Finally, it is probably not surprising that self-criticism itself can make it difficult to feel self-compassion, so that highly self-critical people find it particularly difficult to be kind to themselves.²

How can we increase our self-compassion and self-acceptance

Compassion and self-compassion are mindsets, which can be specifically trained. Following suggestions may be helpful:

Whenever you are in a difficult life situation, try to remember the three components of self-compassion: Self-kindness, Common Humanity and Mindfulness (see above).
Be aware of the two forms of self-criticism (comparison with others and failing own inner standards), and try to avoid comparing yourself unfavourably to others and having unrealistic expectations of yourself. Increase your awareness of negative self-talk and start replacing the overly punitive criticism with more helpful, kinder and self-supportive/constructive statements.⁶Remember that nobody is perfect, everybody makes mistakes and everybody struggles in some way.
Importantly, do not get cross with yourself if you cannot calm down your inner critic or you cannot feel self-compassion! The whole point is being kinder to yourself. You may need to do this in little steps and it will probably need some time and patience.
For those of us who find it particularly difficult to allow ourselves self-compassion, it may help to think about which advice they would give their best friend and how they would treat this friend in a similar situation. Treat yourself no worse, but also no better, than your would treat this friend.⁷
Use self-compassion phrases, which can be applied in difficult situations:^6,7‘This is a moment of suffering’, ‘Suffering is a part of life’, ‘May I be kind to myself’, ‘May I give myself the compassion I need’, ‘May I accept myself as I am’, ‘May I forgive myself’ or ‘May I learn to accept what I cannot change’.
Writing a letter to yourself has been shown to be highly effective,^6,7 particularly if you are struggling with a specifically difficult experience, for example after a failure or making a mistake. Again, trying to imagine that you are writing the letter to a friend rather than yourself can make this process easier.
Mindfulness meditations, particularly loving-kindness meditations are also very helpful to increase our capacity for compassion towards ourselves and others.^3,5,6 More on mindfulness next week!

In summary, self-compassion is not about silencing the critic in us, it is about engaging the critic in a more measured and constructive conversation. Even though not all of us will have the capacity to truly love ourselves resulting in a life long romance as Oscar Wilde suggested, we can at least learn to accept and look after ourselves to become our own good friend.

More on this topic on the web:

Find out more about self-compassion directly from researcher Kristin Neff: http://self-compassion.org
The excellent Greater Good website has several suggestions for Self-compassion Exercises.
As mentioned above, it is essential for us to feel connected, but if we do not accept ourselves because we feel in some way unworthy or feel that we have significant faults this is difficult to achieve, because we feel vulnerable. However, it is very much worth to take the risk of exposing ourselves, as researcher Brene Brown explains in her inspiring TED lecture on the Power of Vulnerability.

Preview: We have been talking a lot about the benefits of mindfulness, and it is about time that we will have a look at this topic in more detail next week.

References and further evidence-based reading:

1. Hanson R: Hardwiring Happiness: How to reshape your brain and your life. Rider Ebury Publishing, Random House, UK. 2013.

2. Gilbert P, McEwan K, Matos M, Rivis A. Fears of compassion: Development of three self-report measures. Psychology and Psychotherapy: Theory, Research and Practice. 2010;84:239-255.

3. Siegel D. Mindsight: Transform Your Brain with the New Science of Kindness. Oneworld Publications; Oxford, UK. 2011.

4. Nettle D. Personality: What makes you the way you are. Oxford University Press; New York. 2007.

5. Gilbert P, Clarke M, Hempel S, Miles JNV, Irons C. Criticizing and reassuring oneself: An exploration of forms, styles and reasons in female students. British Journal of Clinical Psychology. 2004;43:31-50.

6. Seppälä E. The Happiness Track: How to Apply the Science of Happiness to Accelerate Your Success. Piatkus; London, UK. 2016.

7. Neff K D. The Science of Self-Compassion. In: Germer C and Siegel R (Eds.), Compassion and Wisdom in Psychotherapy. New York: Gilford Press. 2012.

8. Eagleman D. The Brain: The story of you. Canongate Books Ltd; Edinburgh, UK. 2015.

If you found this information helpful, please consider supporting the campaign under Just Giving. Of course it is also great if you choose to support another charity or do a practical good deed, but it would be nice if you could let me know that you have done this because you felt inspired by this campaign. Please also feel free to share this post and let me know if you have any constructive feedback- good or bad!

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