‘The secret
of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on
building the new.’
Dan Millman
(author)
Admittedly, the title of
this post is a somewhat rhetorical question. This blog is to a large degree
about change. But the question is in how far we can deliberately change
ourselves, and how we can make sure that our attempts are successful and do not
fizzle out like the majority of New Year resolutions. What makes us the person
who we are and what determines the limits of any transformation?
How do we become who we are in the first place?
The
debate if our genes and inherent nature, or our upbringing and life experiences
have a greater influence on our personality (also called ‘nature or nurture’)
has a long tradition. Studies with genetically identical twins (either raised
together or separated at birth and raised apart) have revealed some surprising
results. It has been shown that we owe approximately 50% of our personalities to
our genes.2 But our DNA does not only influence our character- even our
moral and political views, musical talent and religiousness are significantly
influenced by genes.1 The other half of our personality then is
largely influenced by upbringing and life experiences.2
Overall,
our personalities have been shown to be quite stable over time.1,2
However, throughout their lives, people tend to become slightly more agreeable,
introverted and more emotionally stable, and they tend to show a larger degree
of self-control and discipline over time.2
It
has also been shown that there is an association between our personality and
well-being: Extraverts tend to experience positive emotions more often and more
intensively than introverts and people scoring high on the personality trait of
‘neuroticism’ experience negative emotions more frequently and intensely. Another
factor can be the personality trait of ‘conscientiousness’, which reflects our
inherent degree of self-control and discipline. Some people who score low on
the ‘conscientiousness’ scale can be more vulnerable to addictions (e.g.
gambling, alcohol, drug addition).1,2
Why change is possible
In
order to make any successful and long-lasting changes, we need to get a realistic
understanding about what we can change and how to go about it. One way of
looking at our personality is to see our inherent characteristic traits as a
‘baseline’. However, just because we have a specific type of personality does
not mean that we always have to behave in a certain way. If you are finding
that your personality is causing you some trouble through unhealthy or
unhelpful desires, behaviours or habits, you still have choices:
- Finding alternative, less destructive and more helpful outlets for our characteristic:2 For example, someone who is very extraverted and low in neuroticism, may enjoy the kick of risky driving maneuvers and going over the speed limit. However, for the sake of safety of fellow-passengers and other motorists, they may choose to largely stick to the Highway Code and instead have an off-track motorsport hobby or engage in some other adventurous sport, which allows them to express their personality in a more legal way.
- Consciously change our behaviour ‘against the spin’: This means that if we having a problem with an aspect of our character (for example our vulnerability to stress) we can develop mindsets and habits which counterbalance our natural tendency.1-5 So, although our inherent personality is our ‘baseline’, there is nothing stopping us to ‘shift up’ the scale and to become more stress-resilient with time. Similarly, if we know that we have poor self-control and have a problem with overeating or alcohol, we can put measures in place to decrease temptation and work on increasing our self-control.
The
reason why we can change is because of neuroplasticity,
an effect that we have already discussed in previous posts.4,6
Although it was previously thought that our brains effectively do not change
once we reach adulthood, it has been more recently discovered that, in fact, the
nerve cells in our brains continuously form new connections. This leads to the
formation of completely new networks, reinforcement of old ones, or weakening
of others, which are not used. Furthermore, we can make the conscious decision
to change our thinking patterns, mindsets and behaviours, which has also been
called self-directed neuroplasticity.6,7
Of
course, mindsets and habits, which have been deeply engrained over time are not
easy to change (as the neural connections have been reinforced over and over
again). And some characteristics of our personality may be impossible or at
least near impossible to change, including for example sexual identity and
sexual orientation.1 And of course you are unlikely to ‘shift’
yourself from one end of the trait scale to the other, so an extreme introvert
is probably unlikely to ever become a party animal.
The secret of change
So
as far as mindsets, habits and (to a degree) personality traits go,
self-directed change is possible. But what determines our success in achieving
long-term changes? This may depend on several factors, some of which include:
- Have a realistic goal and a realistic plan:8 Goals may be ambitious but they should not be unrealistic. It is also important that we have a realistic understanding about the time frame in which we are able to achieve the change. When pursuing any goal, it is helpful to cut it down into smaller sub-goals and daily aims. In this way, the task does not only appear more achievable, but we can also celebrate the little successes on the way. Being realistic about our goals also means that we should not strive to change too many things at one time.
- The right motivation: If something is truly causing us a great deal of grief or discomfort, we are of course more likely to be sincerely motivated to change ourselves. So if we have the genuine intention to changing ourselves we are more likely to succeed.7,8 However, it has been shown that if we think we should or must change our behaviour or trait we may find it more difficult to initiate the change than when we adopt an attitude that we can and want change.7 Furthermore, if we try to change ourselves based on extrinsic motives (such as pleasing other people or gaining their attention, admiration or praise) we are likely to find any task more difficult.8,9
- Learning self-control and perseverance:
- The importance of self-control: Compared to other mammals, our human brain has a particularly well-developed region called the prefrontal cortex. This region can also be referred to as the ‘Chief Executive’ of the brain, which allows us to assess a given situation, consider all behavioural options available to us, and foresee their potential consequences or results.4,5,7 This could be considered as choosing our degree of freedom, or our free will. We can choose to control our impulses, change perspectives and consider the long-term consequences of our actions. Self-control allows us to weigh up our desires, wishes and impulses which may arise in a certain situation against the long-term consequences (and our long-term interests).5,6
- Factors influencing self-control: One of several factors influencing self-control is, as mentioned above, our personality. But even if we are not naturally blessed with a lot of self-discipline, it is a skill which can be increased and strengthened over time.2,4,5 Mindfulness practices have been shown to increase the function of the prefrontal cortex, thereby increasing self-control.4 Of course there are also factors, which can undermine self-control. For example, self-control requires energy so if we are physically and/or mentally exhausted, we generally find it more difficult to stay disciplined.9 More on the important topic of self-control will follow in next week’s post.
- Learn how to deal with setbacks: Any change is difficult, and it is helpful not to see things black and white. There may be times when we make no progress. In fact, sometimes it may seem that we have gone backwards. This is completely normal and does not mean that all our efforts are in vain or that we are a failure. Self-acceptance and self-compassion are hugely important during the process of change.4,7,9 In fact, in Buddhist and Mindfulness teaching it has been suggested that we can only initiate true change, growth and healing, if we are in full acceptance of the present (if we are able to accept our current state), which includes the times of struggles and failure. Somewhat counter-intuitively, it is the non-striving intention, which is more likely to make us successful. As suggested in the quote by Dan Millman, it is more important to look at where we want to go rather than getting pre-occupied with where we currently are.
- Little tricks and tips:4,5,7
- Start small and be patient. When practicing new habits or ways of thinking, frequent and regular repetitions are more likely to bring lasting and successful change than long but infrequent practices.
- Use visualisation techniques: The visualisation of new habits or behaviours has been shown to be very effective when implementing change, as it activates brain areas, which are also used when actually performing a certain task. For example, if you have decided to exercise more, you can imagine yourself taking up the new activity in great detail. During your visualisation, try to bring up all the positive results this new habit is expected to bring you (e.g. greater physical and mental fitness, weight loss) but also bring to mind the difficulties you may encounter on the way. Similar visualisation techniques may also be used if we want to change our behaviour towards other people, e.g. becoming more assertive.
- Know yourself and reduce temptations: This is of course very much common sense. If we know that we have a problem restraining ourselves when we see or are near certain things, then we should make sure we do not get near them, at least until our new habit has stabilised.
- Gather social support: Talking to other people about what we are planning to do, asking for help, or joining a group or club can help us to persevere with activities more easily. We can also use people who have successfully implemented similar changes in their lives as a role-models.
Once again, the tale of the two wolves
I
have already included the tale of the two wolves in one of the posts earlier
this year. But because it so beautifully captures the spirit and scope of
change, here it is again:
An old Cherokee told his grandson,
‘My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all. One is Evil. It is
anger, envy, fear, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, resentment, arrogance,
self-pity, guilt, inferiority, false pride, superiority, lies and ego. The
other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, interest, humility, inspiration,
serenity, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, compassion and truth.’
The boy thought about it and asked,
‘Grandfather, which wolf wins?’
The old man replied, ‘The one you
feed.’
Also, some of you may
have missed the Quick Update post with the link to a great podcast dedicated to
the tale of the two wolves: http://www.oneyoufeed.net. This podcast is all
about change and how to implement change in order to live a good life. There
are many personal stories but also interviews with scientists and psychologists,
spiritual teachers and authors looking at this issue from many different
angles.
A truly amazing person- What
can we learn from…:10
John McAvoy grew up in a family where
several members were involved in organized crime. He took up a similar path
with big ambitions, and was convicted for armed robbery before he reached the
age of 18. After his release he continued along the same lines until he was
arrested again and sent to Belmarsh High Security Prison.
During
his time in prison, his best friend, also a criminal, died during an armed
robbery. This turned out to be a turning point in John McAvoy’s life. He
realized that he had wasted 10 years of his life in prison and that something
had to change.
Already
prior to this change of mind, John McAvoy had been taking up sport in prison,
including indoor rowing. He soon discovered, that he could use sport as an alternative
outlet to channel his energies. After being finally released, he managed to
break with his previous career and focused all his efforts on becoming a
professional Iron Man triathlete. He is now aiming to become the best
long-distance triathlete in Europe, as his previous convictions have resulted
in travel restrictions limiting his participation in races overseas.
John
McAvoy has written a book about his transformation through sport called Redemption: From Iron Bars to Iron Man;
his story is a powerful reminder that everybody has the capacity to make profound
changes to their lives. You can find out more about John McAvoy at http://www.220triathlon.com/training/athlete-profiles/how-triathlon-helped-former-criminal-john-mcavoy-turn-from-crime/11781.html and http://www.telegraph.co.uk/triathlon/2016/10/18/meet-john-mcavoy-the-former-criminal-who-is-aiming--to-become-th/.
Preview: As mentioned above, next
week’s post is going look in more detail at self-control and how to increase
it.
References and further reading:
1. Seligman
MEP. What you Can Change and What you Can’t: The Complete Guide to Successful
Self-Improvement. Nicholas Brealey Publishing; London, UK. 2010.
2. Nettle
D. Personality: What makes you the way you are. Oxford University Press; New
York. 2007.
3.
Pittman CM, Karle EM. Rewire Your Anxious Brain: How to use the neuroscience of
fear to end anxiety, panic & worry. New Harbinger Publications; Oakland.
2015.
4. Kabat-Zinn
J: Full Catastrophe Living: How To Cope With Stress, Pain and Illness Using
Mindfulness Meditation. Piatkus. 2013
5. Bauer
J. Selbststeuerung: Die Wiederentdeckung des freien Willens [Self-control: The re-discovery of our free will]. Karl Blessing Verlag; Munich, Germany. 2015.
6. Hanson
R: Hardwiring Happiness: How to reshape your brain and your life. Rider Ebury
Publishing, Random House, UK. 2013.
7.
Graham L. Bouncing Back: Rewiring Your Brain for Maximum Resilience and
Well-Being. New World Library; Novato. 2013.
8.
Lyubomirsky
S. The Myths of Happiness: What should make you happy but
doesn’t, what shouldn’t make you happy but does. Penguin Books; New York. 2013.
9.
Seppälä E. The Happiness Track: How to Apply the Science of Happiness to
Accelerate Your Success. Piatkus; London, UK. 2016.
10. http://www.220triathlon.com/training/athlete-profiles/how-triathlon-helped-former-criminal-john-mcavoy-turn-from-crime/11781.html, http://www.telegraph.co.uk/triathlon/2016/10/18/meet-john-mcavoy-the-former-criminal-who-is-aiming--to-become-th/, http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b0832rj2
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