The Good Life Campaign: Dealing with the Darker Days: Improve Your Control and Decrease Negativity

“Anger is never without a reason, but seldom with a good one.”

Benjamin Franklin (Politician)

Difficult life experiences and negative emotions such as anger, stress, sadness, frustration or anxiety are an inevitable part of our lives, but we can learn to minimise their impact on us. These difficult situations may include a current difficult event, a memory, or an anticipated future event. It may also involve dealing with another person or an aspect of ourselves, which we find challenging to cope with. After exploring how to build emotional intelligence in the previous post, this and next week’s post are about how to make use of emotional intelligence in combination with a creative problem-solving attitude in order to increase our feeling of control in difficult life situations. To do this effectively, it is helpful to first assess the difficult experience objectively without falling into the traps of negativity and rumination, before working out the best way of dealing with the situation. This is because different types of situations may require different types of action.

Assessing the situation:

Try to be realistic and objective; it is also helpful if you are in a neutral or positive mood when trying to analyse the situation.^1,2
Try to answer the following questions about the situation: 1) Type of negative emotion: Are the negative emotions proportional to the trigger and are they justified (helpful negative emotions) or are they disproportionate or gratuitous (unhelpful negative emotions)? 2) Duration of the experience: Is the situation likely to recur or be permanent? 3) Influence on the situation: Can you change the external circumstances of the situation or not?
Identify your desired outcome

More information on types of negative emotions:

Helpful negative emotions are justified, proportional to the trigger and based on facts. They are helpful, because they serve a purpose and often alert us to a problem with our life circumstances. They can help us to move forward and motivate us to change our situation.¹ Examples include:

Feeling some degree of stress or worry prior to events which are important to us, e.g. stress prior to and during an important presentation or examination can be helpful, because it prompts you to stay focused and prepare yourself well, making it more likely that you will be successful.
Similarly, feeling stressed can be adaptive in some other circumstances, e.g. it may alert you to the fact that you have too many commitments, and that you need to look after yourself more.
The feeling of some degree of guilt or sadness after making a significant mistake motivates us to learn from our experience and (hopefully) makes us change our behaviour in similar future situations.
Anxiety and fear in truly threatening or potentially dangerous situations.
Feeling disappointed, angry and/or sad when being treated unfairly by other people.
A period of grief following the loss of a person who was close to you, or after a dramatic negative change in your life situation, or if you fail to achieve an important personal goal. It is important to go through the normal natural process of grieving in order to be able to move on with your life at some later time point.

Unhelpful negative emotions on the other hand, are not adaptive. They are disproportionate to the underlying trigger, self-righteous or may be completely unwarranted:¹

Having a disproportionate reaction to an event from time to time can be quite normal, particularly at times of stress. However, if you find that you are having an exaggerated emotional reaction to minor events on a regular basis, it could indicate that you have vulnerabilities, which you may want to address. To re-use above example, feelings of outright dread and fear prior to and during important events (e.g. a presentation/examination or meeting) may be paralyzing and decrease your performance. Disproportionate reactions can also be a sign for chronic stress or other mental health issues.
Unhelpful negative emotions (or absence of positive emotions) can also occur due to making social comparisons (comparing yourself to other people who appear better off) or to effects of the hedonic adaptation.^1,2 Hedonic adaptation means that we can get used to our life situations very quickly. For example we may start finding faults with something, which has previously given us great joy (e.g. a job/partner/house/car).
Another group of unnecessary and therefore unhelpful negative emotions are those, which arise due to unrealistic expectations. As we do not live in a perfect world, problems are more the norm than the exception.
Other types of unhelpful emotions include righteous indignation (anger or contempt out of a feeling of moral superiority), Schadenfreude (the joy over somebody else’s misfortune).
Sometimes, negative emotions can also become a habit and kind of coping strategy, although not in a constructive sense. For example, some of us might find it exciting to display irritation or anger, or use these emotions as a threat to manipulate others. Other people may use self-pity as a form of protection.⁴

To speak with the words of Benjamin Franklin, assessing the type of negative emotion is about finding out, whether the negative feelings you are experiencing have a good reason or not.

Avoid the downward spiral of negativity:

While you are assessing and dealing with the situation, it is important to avoid falling into a negative spiral. Negative emotions and thoughts, whether warranted or unwarranted, can sometimes be overwhelming, making us feel helpless and decrease our ability to think creatively about solutions. As part of your analysis, you may also explore your values, core beliefs and vulnerabilities, which can sometimes be painful. In the last post, we mentioned some helpful ‘first aid’ strategies when you feel overwhelmed by negative feelings. Additionally, it is important to avoid the more long-term downward spiral of negative emotions => negative thoughts => negative emotions by learning how to tackle rumination. Rumination can be defined as having repetitive and unproductive thoughts about current problems, past situations or future events, or of relationships and conflicts.³ Rumination is very different to constructive analysis. Analysis is the systematic, step-by-step contemplation of a problem or situation working towards a solution, whereas with rumination, you have no control over the thoughts or the direction of the thoughts.² Luckily, there are several things, which can be done to avoid rumination:

Do not believe everything you think! – This very wise proverb summarises nicely that our mind, which constructs our reality, can sometimes be surprisingly wrong.^3,4 Of course we generally have to trust our judgment, but negative thoughts are often grossly exaggerated. If you are finding yourself often engaged in negative thoughts, then try and learn the skill of cognitive restructuring techniques:³ Whenever you notice a worrying/negative thought, try to be skeptical. Look for evidence whether the thought is true or not. If it is not true, then try to ignore it. If there is some evidence-based ground for the thought, then try to replace categorical unhelpful thoughts with coping thoughts. Coping thoughts are more balanced and flexible statements. For example, if you have made a mistake and your automatic, negative thought would be: ‘How could I be so stupid’ or ‘I am a failure’ with ‘Everybody makes mistakes sometimes. It would have been nice if it had not happened on this occasion, but I will learn for next time.’
Distract yourself with:

o Neutral or pleasant thoughts²

o A pleasant and healthy activity that allows you to re-focus your attention. Examples are sport, gardening, watching amusing programs, reading thought-provoking articles and books, painting or drawing, playing an instrument or meeting (positive) people.^1-3

Establish a dedicated ‘problem time’ in the day, during which you contemplate your problems, rather than letting the negative thoughts intrude your entire day. If possible, put your thoughts down in writing, which can help you avoid going round in unproductive circles.²
Talk the problem over with a (level-headed!) friend, family member or other trusted person.²
Meditate or practice other spiritual activities (including prayers if this helps you).^1-3 Mindful meditation practices can be particularly helpful as you also learn to control your attention better.³

Helpful books on this topic:

The Myths of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirsky is an excellent guide about common ‘happiness traps’ and full of practical advice about what we can do to feel more in control and increase our happiness in different life circumstances.

If you are a compulsive worrier or prone to anxiety, then you should have a look at Rewire Your Anxious Brain by Catherine M Pittman and Elizabeth M Karle. This is an excellent book full of science-based tips.

Preview: Building onto today’s post, the final step in dealing with negative situations is working out when to apply which strategy or strategies- you can find out more about this in the final part of Dealing with the Darker Days next week.

References and further evidence-based reading:

1. Fredrickson B. Positivity: Groundbreaking Research to Release Your Inner Optimist and Thrive. Oneworld Publications; Oxford, England. 2010

2. Lyubomirsky S. The Myths of Happiness: What should make you happy but doesn’t, what shouldn’t make you happy but does. Penguin Books; New York. 2013.

3. Pittman CM, Karle EM: Rewire Your Anxious Brain: How to use the neuroscience of fear to end anxiety, panic & worry. New Harbinger Publications; Oakland. 2015.

4. Eagleman D. The Brain: The story of you. Canongate Books Ltd; Edinburgh, UK. 2015.

5. Diener E, Biswas-Diener R. Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth. Blackwell Publishing; Oxford, UK. 2008.

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