“May I have the serenity to accept
the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom
to know the difference.” Adapted from
Niebuhr (Theologian)
Last
week we started looking into dealing constructively with difficult life
situations, with a realistic assessment of the situation and the resulting
negative emotions being the first step.
Remember
that it is not helpful to merely try and suppress negative emotions, as this
actually only amplifies them in the long run but also makes us experience less
positive emotions.1 In general terms, we have several options how to
react to negative experiences: we can walk away from the situation (if we can),
we can adjust/repair/optimize it, or we can change the way that we deal with it
or experience it.2 Whatever your approach or chosen route, try to be
as open, flexible and creative as possible when looking for a solution. Make
sure you make best use of resources, e.g. asking friends, family or experts for
advice, have a creative brainstorm, draw on your strengths and trust your
abilities. Quite commonly, difficult situations arise because of conflicts with
other people. Interpersonal and negotiation skills may therefore be required. Of
course not all situations fit in neat categories, but below are some general
suggestions, which may help working out the best course of action:
1. Helpful vs unhelpful emotions
- Unhelpful negative emotions tend to be disproportionate to the trigger, unnecessary or self-gratifying.
- Minor negative feelings sometimes reduce or disappear on their own accord once you realise that they are unhelpful.1 For example, if you are under time pressure and annoyed because you have to queue in a shop, you may let the irritation go if you realise that this is not going to shorten the queue but instead just making yourself feel even worse.
- However, it is often not as easy as this, particularly in more significant situations where we may find it more difficult to let the negative feelings go. Particularly if you notice that certain situations regularly trigger unhelpful negative emotions in you (e.g. if you notice that you have a general problem with anger or irritability rather than just on a single odd occasion in a queue), you may want to address this.
- As a general rule, unhelpful emotions may be best dealt with by improving our emotion regulation and emotional intelligence, increasing our resilience by appropriate self-care, reviewing our beliefs and thoughts, and in some cases by addressing any specific vulnerabilities we may have. In short, the main focus when dealing with unhelpful negative emotions may involve internal work; changing the external circumstances is generally less effective.1,3,4 Having said that, in some situations, it may be sometimes helpful to also selectively alter some external circumstances or adapt your behaviour. For example, in order to address any underlying issues causing strong emotional reactions to trivial situations, you may need to reduce your work/life commitments at least temporarily in order to have enough resources to deal with your problems.
- Conversely, helpful negative emotions are adaptive and necessary; they help you to move forward. These types of feelings often are an indication to consider external action and looking into changing your situation, particularly if the circumstances are likely to recur or be permanent (see below).1 However, it is also important to look after yourself in the process, so a combined approach of applying self-care/emotional intelligence and problem solving is called for.1,2
2. Single vs recurrent or permanent difficult experience
If
you are dealing with a single event, which is unlikely to recur or be permanent
in the same form, you may not want to spend any more time and energy engaging
with it, whether the emotions that are triggered are helpful or unhelpful.1
For example if a stranger has been unfriendly to you and you are unlikely to see
him/her again, there is little point to keep worrying about it- just try to let
it go. On the other hand, if you are having repeated difficult situations, e.g.
with a work colleague or other person you encounter more frequently, it may
indeed be necessary to take some form of action.
Further tips on recurrent/permanent situations triggering
unhelpful negative emotions
- As mentioned above, strategies to deal with excessive recurrent unhelpful negative feelings are increasing your emotional intelligence (e.g. by practicing mindfulness), ensuring appropriate self-care (incl. sleep, exercise, food), disputing negative thoughts and working on more flexible beliefs, as well as possibly addressing any specific vulnerabilities. Additionally, you can employ the suggestions listed below in the section ‘Situations you cannot change’.
- When reflecting on your issues/vulnerabilities, values and beliefs, it is essential to avoid overanalysis and rumination- go back to last week’s post to remind yourself of strategies to avoid rumination if needed. During your reflection, try to be systematic and analytical. It may be helpful to do this with a friend or in writing so that you do not get lost in unproductive negative thinking.
- Depending on the type and severity of your life circumstances and triggered emotions, you may be able to deal with the situation yourself, or with the help of a friend or peer support group, or you may seek professional advice. Various effective methods varying from self-help to professional counseling or psychotherapy +/- pharmacological treatment are available to address many specific problems.3-7
- A common type of unhelpful negative feelings, which can be relatively easily dealt with, are those arising from hedonic adaptation (our tendency to quickly take things for granted as we get easily used to new situations/people/objects) and social comparison. In these situations, the main key lies in changing your attitude and perception. A separate post in a few weeks will deal with these frequent problems separately.
3. Situations you can change vs situations you cannot change
- Situations you can change: Any permanent/recurrent situation giving rise to significant helpful negative emotions, which can be changed or partially changed should be addressed an appropriate, proportionate, measured response.1 Even if your feelings are justified, avoid responding with a disproportionate and unnecessarily harsh reaction, which often just escalates conflicts on an interpersonal level and may be counterproductive in the long term. Also ensure that your envisaged outcome is really what you want to achieve. It has been shown that people are not very good when it comes to predicting what makes them happy in the long run.2,5 We will come back to this in a little more detail in another post, but for now just bear in mind that even your most desired outcome may actually not always bring you the full positive effect that you expected. As mentioned above, when trying to change the circumstances, try to be open, creative and flexible, asking others for advice when needed and remember your strengths and abilities.
- In situations you cannot change and for unhelpful negative feelings, several strategies may increase your tolerance and acceptance of the experience. In addition to above mentioned emotional intelligence, basic self-care and self-supportive thinking, these include:1,2,5
- Modify the situation: E.g. if you are frustrated by your long commute to work but cannot change your job or the place you live, you can listen to audiobooks, e-books or podcasts during your journey. This can transform ‘lost’ commuting time into quality time. It has certainly worked for me and is why this blog came into existence!
- Change your attention in the situation: For example, if you are often irritated by a specific person (who you cannot avoid), you can try to pay attention to neutral aspects of that person rather than focusing on the attributes or behaviours, which you find annoying.
- Change the meaning of the situation: For example, if you are diagnosed with a chronic illness you may interpret this as a total personal disaster to mean that your independent life is over. On the other hand, you could consider the illness as a manageable challenge, which means that that you have to focus more on your physical health and appropriate self-care.
- Putting the situation into perspective and practice gratitude: Even when bad things happen in our lives, quite often they could be a whole lot worse. Try to stay open to the good things you are experiencing during times of difficulty- even the very basic things we so often take for granted. This may include being grateful for having a safe place to sleep, having sufficient food and water, being healthy and not being affected by violent conflict. You can also try to ask yourself if the situation is likely to matter in a few months, a year or five years.
- Practice compassion and self-compassion: Try to see things from the other person’s perspective, try to connect to other people and help others. At the same time, be kind to yourself, look after your own needs and accept help if needed. These things are not necessarily mutually exclusive as you will see in the next few months.
A truly amazing person- What
can we learn from…:8
Temple Grandin is a person who had to
overcome more than one challenge in life, including being autistic and working as
a woman in the livestock industry, a field largely dominated by men. Born with
Asperger’s Syndrome in a time when autism was widely unheard of, she did not
start speaking until the age of 3 ½ years, and she was bullied at school as she
was considered weird. However, due the support of her family and an inspiring
science teacher, she felt encouraged to pursue a career in animal science,
despite the difficulties that autism posed to her. Temple Grandin has a high
sensitivity to sensory information (like noise) and great attention to detail
as a result of her autistic trait, both of which have been posing a challenge
throughout her life. However, she has learnt to manage these traits and to use
them in her professional career, in combination with her strongly visual
thinking. Today, Temple Grandin is Professor of Animal Science at the Colorado
State University. Her work focuses on livestock behaviour and the design of
humane livestock handling facilities. She has also established an objective
scoring system for livestock handling at abattoirs. In addition to her
important work for animal welfare, she has been able to provide an important
insight into autism.
What
we can learn from Temple Grandin is that many of our characteristics are not
per se good or bad. If we have the serenity to accept our traits and accept
ourselves as we are, we can learn to make best use of our characteristics and
get the courage to influence things we can
change.
You
can read more about Temple Grandin on her website www.templegrandin.com.
Temple Grandin has also written several books and was featured in TV
documentaries and a biographic movie drama. She has also given an interesting TED
lecture about embracing life with autism.
Further information on this topic:
Mindsight from
psychiatrist Daniel Siegel is a truly fascinating read and one of the best
books that I have come across during my explorations of this topic. It provides
a detailed but easy-to-read explanation of the processes in our brain, which
are important for our well-being and optimal functioning, namely bodily
regulation, attuned communication with others, emotional balance, response
flexibility, fear modulation, empathy, insight, moral awareness and intuition.
What is
more, Daniel Siegel illustrates how we can specifically address any
difficulties we may have by learning to focus our attention, balancing the left
and right halves of our brain, reconnecting the mind with the body, making
sense of our memory and personal history, getting in touch with our core-self,
attuning to others and confronting uncertainties and our mortality.
Preview: Next week we are going
to look at an essential element of well-being, which is often misunderstood and
sometimes difficult to achieve: self-compassion and
self-acceptance.
References and further evidence-based reading:
1. Fredrickson B. Positivity: Groundbreaking Research
to Release Your Inner Optimist and Thrive. Oneworld Publications; Oxford,
England. 2010
2. Lyubomirsky S. The Myths of Happiness: What should
make you happy but doesn’t, what shouldn’t make you happy but does. Penguin
Books; New York. 2013.
3. Hanson R: Hardwiring Happiness: How to reshape your brain and your life.
Rider Ebury Publishing, Random House, UK. 2013.
4. Siegel
D. Mindsight: Transform Your Brain with the New Science of Kindness. Oneworld
Publications; Oxford, UK. 2011.
5. Diener E, Biswas-Diener R. Happiness: Unlocking
the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth. Blackwell Publishing; Oxford, UK. 2008.
6. Seligman
MEP. What you Can Change and What you Can’t: The Complete Guide to Successful
Self-Improvement. Nicholas Brealey Publishing; London, UK. 2010.
7. Pittman
CM, Karle EM: Rewire Your Anxious Brain: How to use the neuroscience of fear to
end anxiety, panic & worry. New Harbinger Publications; Oakland. 2015.
8. References
for the section truly amazing person: http://www.templegrandin.com/templehome.html, http://rhodesprofessors.cornell.edu/RhodesProfsGrandin.html, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temple_Grandin
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