Can You Face The Storm?- About Resilience Part 2

‘ Learn how to cope, sweet friend. There will always be dark days.’        

                                                                           Kris Carr (Author)

Like everybody else, I have been very saddened by the events in Manchester. And of course this is only one of many violent incidences, not to speak of larger armed conflicts, which are taking place around the world in the last years - in fact, more precisely, which have always been taking place throughout the centuries somewhere. It can be easy to get cynical about the aggressive potential of humans, but as much as these things can show the dark side of humanity, they can also show the best: There are always people who care, people who help, people who believe in shared values across the somewhat artificial borders of religion, nationality and ethnicity, people who are strong and who give others the strength to carry on. And all this has to do with resilience.

After introducing the general concept of resilience in the last post, we will look into the skill ‘tool-box’ of resilient people to find out what exactly we can do to increase our ability to bounce back.

Learning the skills of resilience:

As previously mentioned, resilient people tend to have a high level of emotional intelligence, self-care, self-compassion and self-esteem, active coping strategies, reasoning and a strong moral compass. Underlying these characteristics are specific self-supportive thinking patterns, mind-sets and behaviours, which all of us are potentially able to adopt. As always with learning a new skill, we will need to be prepared to put in some determination and effort, but with some patience it is possible to change our habits. As also discussed in previous posts, the effect of neuroplasticity (the ability of the brain to continuously form new connections) means that new thinking and behavioural habits can become deeply embedded over time.¹ Specific resilience-supporting skills include:

• Self-awareness and appropriate self-care: Of course we can sometimes choose to sacrifice our short-term comfort for an overarching goal or for the benefit of others. However, this is only possible to a degree before it leads to a depletion of our energy reserves. The level of this tipping point very much depends on individual factors. Being aware of your emotions, and individual physical and mental needs is of course the first step and the very foundation of resilience.² Self-awareness can be increased by practicing mindfulness.¹ It then needs to be translated into self-care, which maintains your energy levels and diffuses stress.³ Self-care includes an appropriate amount of sleep, the right balance between rest and stimulation, adequate diet and exercise. This is not about selfishness. It is about getting the balance right and making sure that you do not neglect your own needs. Self-care is often compared to the emergency advice given on planes, to put your own oxygen mask on first before attending to others. For more information, have a look at Don't Forget the Basics.
• Self-compassion: It means that you are kind to yourself, accepting yourself as a fundamentally worthwhile person and that you treat yourself as you would treat a good friend.³ In this way, you are able to allow yourself the necessary room to feel grief, anger or other negative emotions without falling into the traps of self-pity. Self-compassion also helps when dealing with failures and makes us more likely to learn and grow from adverse events, find new opportunities, and be grateful for our experiences.³ For some of us self-compassion can be difficult, but it can be learnt as you can read in Taming Your Inner Critic- About Self-Acceptance and Self-Compassion.
• Emotion-focused vs problem-focused coping: Resilient people have a sense that they have control over what happens to them (internal locus of control),² and are able to apply different coping strategies to different situations. The emphasis in situations, which can be changed should be in actively solving the problem (active coping) even if this seems difficult and/or requires courage.^4,5 However, many difficult situations cannot be changed or only partially changed, which is where the main focus is on emotion regulation (see below).⁵ You can remind yourself how to best assess negative situations and helpful strategies for dealing with different situations in Dealing with the Darker Days- Increase Your Control and Working Out What To Do.
• Emotion regulation: Being able to regulate your own emotions is an essential key component of resilience. It relates to both, positive and negative emotions. Practicing mindfulness has been shown to increase the capacity for emotion regulation greatly and is therefore highly recommended.¹ Mindfulness helps you to focus your mind on the present moment, rather than worrying about the past or future, and teaches you to engage less with your negative thoughts and emotions. In this way, you avoid a downward spiral of negativity and you are more likely to recognize the small positive events, which can often be found even in the most difficult situations.
• Positive emotions: Apart from making us feel good, positive emotions such as joy, contentment, curiosity and hope make us mindful, creative, open to experiences and increase the connection to others; they also give us strength, make us feel more autonomous and give us the sense of meaning. Resilient people actively seek positive emotions even during moments of crisis: They spend time on activities which make them feel good, feel connection and love towards other people, find opportunities to feel grateful or are inspired by the compassion/acts of kindness of other people.^4-8 It is not necessarily the intensity of the emotions that matters most, but more the frequency. Even small pleasures are helpful, as long as they are consciously savoured.⁵
• Negative emotions: Resilient people do not necessarily feel less negative emotions, the negative feelings just last for a shorter period of time.⁶ It is very important to allow ourselves to feel the negative emotions (see also under self-compassion above) before we start dealing with them constructively and while avoiding rumination.^5-7 See also: Dealing with the Darker Days- Emergency Measures and Emotional Intelligence
• Cultivating gratitude and acceptance: As gratitude is an elevating, self-transcendent positive emotion it is particularly helpful in reinforcing resilience.^5-8 Gratitude can be practiced in several ways (including mindfulness), as previously discussed in Appreciating Your Life- Gratitude. Acceptance can be extremely difficult but may be our only option in some situations.⁶ The capacity for acceptance and equanimity can also be cultivated with mindfulness.

• Reframing and gaining perspective: Resilient people know that what usually matters most is not the negative event itself but what we think about the event. Articulating a trauma narrative, trying to see negative events from another perspective and as an opportunity to learn, to re-order our priorities and to grow, allows us to see the events in a more positive light.^5,6,8 This also applies when dealing with our regrets, mistakes and failures. Remember that we are generally more likely to regret the things that we have not done than things that we have done.⁵
• Meaning: As discussed in What Do You Live For- About Finding Meaning, having a sense of meaning can be a very strong motivation and source of hope. It is possible to find meaning even in the most difficult life circumstances. Focusing on what really matters to us has been therefore recognized as a key factor for resilience.^5,6,8,9
• Making best use of your character strengths and be aware of your values: These are closely associated with meaning, moral reasoning and also with active coping. Being aware of your strengths and applying them in order to improve your situation is as important as using an adverse event as an opportunity to become the best version of yourself and standing up for your values.^5,8
• Connecting to others and maintaining/deepening relationships: We will soon come to a series of posts about the great influence of other people onto our well-being (and the potential associated difficulties!). Although you may feel more like curling up alone in a dark corner in difficult times, it is critically important to keep the connection to others. Resilient people are very much aware of the strength that they can derive from social support and actively seek social support in difficult times.^2,4,6 Additionally, they are also able to effectively solve interpersonal conflicts.² Specific helpful strategies include:
• Constructive self-disclosure: talking to others and sharing feeling with others improves our well-being when facing adversity.^5,8
• Having at least one other person who can give us social support, has been shown to have a direct positive impact on stress resilience.¹⁰ This is not only because other people give us moral support, but also because other people may be able to help us with practical advice and hands-on help.
• Helping or teaching others can help us to find meaning and find a greater sense of purpose during and after difficult times in life.^4,5
• Empathy (the ability to understand the perspective and emotions of other people) and compassion (the ability to care about the suffering of others) has been identified as another very important factor in resilience.^2-4 Again, mindfulness can be very helpful to foster our capacity for compassion and to truly connect to others. Some of you may also have heard about compassion in a less positive context, namely compassion fatigue. More on the important topic of empathy and compassion (including compassion fatigue) will follow soon.
• Dealing effectively with conflict: As supportive as social connections can be, they can sometimes also be the very cause of negative situations or at least be a source of additional stress. Resilient people are able to stand up for their values but use emotional intelligence to resolve conflicts in a flexible and constructive way wherever possible.² This may include negotiation skills and assertiveness, but also empathy and forgiveness. More on how to deal with difficult people will also follow in a separate post!  
• Building self-esteem: Self-esteem means that we have self-respect and are confident in our abilities, which in itself is a source of strength when times get rough. If self-esteem does not come easy to you, you can foster it in various ways including accomplishment/achievement of goals, friendships, by acting with compassion towards others and helping others, and by practicing self-compassion.⁵ One could also say that we build self-esteem by making a difference to our environment or to other people. As our life circumstances can vary over time (sometimes through factors outside of our control) it is a wise move not to rely on a single source for your self-esteem. For example, if we draw our self-esteem solely from professional achievements, this may become a problem if we are at risk of failing an important goal, our work becomes too demanding for us (and we are at risk of burn-out), or when being made redundant or on retirement.    

Admittedly, most of us will not be able to excel in all of the categories above, but with some perseverence it will be possible to at least become a little better in coping with a difficult stretch in life, which will surely come at some point, as Kris Carr knows. Next time you hear a story about somebody overcoming an adversity or when you observe somebody you know dealing well with a negative life situation, use them as a role model and try to identify the strategies they used. Also, as mindfulness is a particularly effective method of improving several of above-mentioned skills, you may want to remind yourself about it in Staying In The Moment: Mindfulness And Conscious Appreciation.

More on this topic on the web:

If you would like to go beyond mindfulness, then it would be worth to visit the Greater Good In Action website, which has many great exercises to help nurture resilience: https://ggia.berkeley.edu/#filters=resilience_to_stress

Preview: Difficult situations can arise in all aspects of our lives but work can be a special case, as it is more a problem of chronic stress rather than a single traumatic event. A lot of research has gone into increasing resilience at work, and identifying specific approaches, which can help us to avoid chronic occupational stress and burnout. As stress at work can affect all of us and often has a significant negative impact on our quality of life, I will share some of the most recent insights into resilience at work in the next post.  

References and further evidence-based reading:

1. Siegel D. Mindsight: Transform Your Brain with the New Science of Kindness. Oneworld Publications; Oxford, UK. 2011.

2. Wiens KJ. Leading Through Burnout: The Influence Of Emotional Intelligence On The Ability Of Executive Level Physician Leaders To Cope With Occupational Stress And Burnout [Dissertation]. University of Pennsylvania. 2016.

3. Seppälä E. The Happiness Track: How to Apply the Science of Happiness to Accelerate Your Success. Piatkus; London, UK. 2016.

4. Wu G, Feder A, Cohen H, Kim JJ, Calderon S, Charney DS, Matthe AA. Understanding Resilience. Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience;2013(7):1-15.

5. Lyubomirsky S. The Myths of Happiness: What should make you happy but doesn’t, what shouldn’t make you happy but does. Penguin Books; New York. 2013.

6. Fredrickson B. Positivity: Groundbreaking Research to Release Your Inner Optimist and Thrive. Oneworld Publications; Oxford, England. 2010.

7. Diener E, Biswas-Diener R. Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth. Blackwell Publishing; Oxford, UK. 200.

8. Seligman MEP. Flourish: A New Understanding of Happiness and Well-Being- and How to Achieve Them. Nicholas Brealey Publishing; London, UK. 2011.

9. Frankl VE. Man’s Search for Meaning. Rider Ebury Publishing, Random House, UK. 2004.

10. Layous K, Lyubomirsky S. The How, Why, What, When and Who of Happiness. In: Gruber J, Moskowitz JT (Ed.), Positive Emotion: Integrating the Light Sides and Dark Sides. Oxford University Press; New York. 2014.

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